Daily Newsletter April 6, 2016

Happy Wednesday. On this day in 1975, Scrubs star Zach Braff was born and immediately begin narrating the delivery.

Ted Cruz “Steals” Wisconsin From Donald Trump By Getting More Votes

IMAGINE WHAT DONALD TRUMP would have tweeted if one of his opponents had blown his best chance of wrapping up the GOP nomination before the convention by losing the Wisconsin primary to Ted Cruz by more than 13 percent.

MAYBE SOMETHING LIKE, “Lightweight was working hard last night. Sad! The problem is, he is a choker, and once a choker, always a chocker! Mr. Meltdown.” Or he’d just retweet a white supremacist’s fan video of the guy being crumpled up like blue cheese by Vladimir Putin.

INSTEAD THE SORE LOSER issued a statement that said, "Ted Cruz is worse than a puppet — he is a Trojan horse, being used by the party bosses attempting to steal the nomination from Mr. Trump." This suggests he has not changed any part of his whiny, name-calling, pro wrestling shtick – including the part where other adults must call him "Mr. Trump" like they were just hired to babysit one of his Harry Potter-villain sons.

Sanders Now Winning More Than a Character in a Trump University Brochure

BERNIE SANDERS WON his sixth consecutive nominating contest Tuesday night, putting him on a winning streak normally reserved for protagonists in a Donald Trump paperback.

THE VOTERS CHOSE between candidates with polar opposite reputations. There was Sanders, viewed as an internet sensation who might be light on actual policy. And there was Hillary Clinton, considered a policy wonk who may be so clueless about email, she's under federal investigation for it.

THE VERMONT SENATOR'S string of victories, which began on March 22nd in Utah, has now continued through Wisconsin, confirming the old political adage: “As goes Utah, so goes the nation.” Which is totally true, if you replace “the nation” with “Wisconsin” and add a little footnote that reads “if you’re Bernie Sanders in 2016.”

Amy Schumer Teaches Glamour Magazine About New Body Type: Normal Human

THERE'S NO DOUBT that Amy Schumer is a big star, but now Glamour Magazine is suggesting that she’s a big star. After being including in the “Chic At Any Size” issue, the comic responded on Instagram, where she has a plus-sized following of almost 4 million.

“PLUS SIZE is considered size 16 in America. I go between a size 6 and an 8,” she wrote. “@glamourmag put me in their plus size only issue without asking or letting me know and it doesn't feel right to me. Young girls seeing my body type thinking that is plus size?”

GLAMOUR EDITOR Cindi Leive responded that the magazine didn’t mean to imply Schumer was “plus size,” they just don’t really have a category between “malnourished” and “plus” that includes the millions of women who actually read the magazine.

Iceland's Prime Minister Steps Down Due To Foreign Phenomenon Known as "Shame"

ICELAND'S PRIME MINISTER Sigmundur Davíð Gunnlaugsson became the first high-profile casualty of the massive “Panama Papers” leaks, which have revealed the unshocking fact that the world’s richest people create shell companies in corrupt countries to hide their fortunes from being taxed.

GUNNLAUGSSON WILL “step aside” from his job while remaining the head of the ruling party of the unusual nation where bankers are actually jailed, and it can take a decade to learn how to spell your whole name.

HE'S ONE OF MORE THAN 140 politicians from 50 countries implicated in the leaks from a Panamanian law firm, and the first to be beset by protesters demanding accountability for this active effort to deny his country’s taxpayers money that should have gone to crucial services like buying more vowels.

Donald Trump Has a Low-Energy Moment of His Own in Wisconsin

NO, THE DEPARTMENT OF HOUSING AND URBAN DEVELOPMENT IS NOT banning tiny houses. Because in America, there are no tiny houses – just supersized people.

OH, BIG BROTHER—A renter in Warrenton, Missouri is looking for a new place to live after discovering a security camera inside her apartment. The landlord is disappointed but probably saw it coming.

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