Daily Newsletter April 27, 2016

Happy Wednesday. On this day in 2005, Vladimir Putin became the first Russian president to visit Israel, although kosher laws prevented him from bringing the gift of hand-strangled elk.

Trump Bulldozes Through East Coast Like It’s An Old Widow’s House Blocking His Casino

DONALD J. TRUMP, who began his presidential campaign with little more than a Twitter account and 10 billion dollars, edged ever closer to the Republican nomination Tuesday with a sweep of five states that just one year ago were listed on IRS forms as part of Jeb Bush’s inheritance.

TRUMP'S IMPROBABLE RUN was propelled by a broad coalition of angry white racists in Pennsylvania, angry white racists in Maryland, angry white racists in Delaware, and VERY angry white racists in Connecticut and Rhode Island who not only have to deal with illegal immigrants but now also the suspension of Tom Brady.

TRUMP'S VICTORY was all the more remarkable given the who’s who of dignitaries lined up against him. Any time the public ignores the pro-Cruz pontifications of Lindsey Graham, Lynne Cheney, Bob Barr, and Carly Fiorina, there can only be one explanation… their C-SPAN 3 feed must be broken.

Clinton Wins Northeastern States, Causing Sanders To Dismiss Them as “The South”

HILLARY CLINTON has spent the past eight years trying lots of hard things to attain the Democratic party nomination – from pretending to like Katy Perry’s music to drinking terrible beer with steelworkers – but it's often been received with a smirk and a vote for the other guy.

BUT DEMOCRATIC VOTERS might finally be letting Clinton up off the mat. On Tuesday, she won four states, and this time never once had to stoop to indignities like pretending to root for multiple baseball teams or promising to “drink her way across Iowa.”

MEANWHILE, BERNIE SANDERS is heavily favored to win West Virginia's May 10th primary, even though Clinton won it over Barack Obama in 2008 – a charming quirk whereby the eccentric state’s sexism is topped only by its racism.

Apple Runs Out of Customers Who Don’t Realize Android Is Better

THE TECH GIANT APPLE had an impressive run, but it came to a halt on Tuesday when its 13-year streak of revenue growth ended. Turns out there simply aren’t many more people who don’t a) already have a smartphone or b) realize that Android is a superior platform.

SO WHAT'S A TECH BEHEMOTH TO DO? One good idea might be to have introduced a successful, innovative new product in the past 9 years, but Apple hasn’t done that, and no Bono, that free U2 iTunes album doesn’t count.

NOT THAT ANYONE should shed tears for Apple. Despite their downturn, they still made a profit of $10.5 billion last year, which is more than Donald Trump – the world’s most elegant, world-class, tremendous, unbelievable, successful man – is worth, even in his wildest lies.

Angry Right Wing Christian Group Boycotts Target, Imperiling Adult Diaper Sales

NO, HANK WILLIAMS, JR. IS NOT KID ROCK'S FATHER, but that doesn’t mean he’s never sat him on his knee and said, “Son, the president was born in Kenya.”

AIR BALL—Ted Cruz tried to fire up an Indiana crowd with a Hoosiers reference, only to completely blow the moment by calling a hoop a “basketball ring.” Not to worry, he'll have plenty of free time soon to learn about sports.

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