Happy Thursday. On this day in 1959, Brian Williams was born... assuming you believe Brian Williams.

AMERICANS HAVE LOST SO MUCH in recent years – from their life savings to their homes, to luxury items like poison-free water. But finally there’s a politician who understands their sacrifice: Donald J. Trump.

“I’VE GIVEN UP a tremendous amount to run for president,” Trump told Larry-Wilmore-whipping-boy and CNN host Wolf Blitzer, on Wednesday. “I gave up two more seasons of Celebrity Apprentice.”

SADLY, IF TRUMP PREVAILS in November, he will also have to give up other things he loves, including philandering, evicting tenants, and shaving Vince McMahon.

AFTER TRUMP'S VICTORY in Indiana all but ended the GOP primary battle, John Kasich’s continuing campaign took on all the trappings of an elaborate ploy to avoid jury duty.

BUT FINALLY ON WEDNESDAY, the winner of one more primary than your dad suddenly remembered that he actually has a job – as governor of Ohio, the nation’s 7th most populous state.

KASICH, WHOSE CONTINUED CANDIDACY prevented the anti-Trump wing from uniting behind one candidate, announced he'd suspend his campaign. He can now go back to focusing on what he does best – avoiding work, over-eating, and generally treating life like a grown-up's version of Ferris Beuller's Day Off.

HILLARY CLINTON MAY BE VIEWED as a hawkish, Wall Street-loving moderate by some Democratic primary voters, but she picked up prominent endorsements Wednesday to buttress her case to voters. The only problem: they were from Republicans.

WHILE CLINTON MIGHT WELCOME this news in the general election, during the Democratic primary it serves as ingenious way to make Bernie Sanders fans trust her even less.

SO FAR NO REPUBLICAN WHO MATTERS has jumped ship to support her, but minor GOP players like Ben Howe and Mark Salter endorsed her. Also both Presidents Bush have said they won’t back Trump. But like we said, no one who matters.

• When You Hear Ted Cruz Dropped Out But Then Realize What's Left
• Harry Potter Explains Superdelegates Pretty Well
• LOOK AT YOUR REPUBLICAN NOMINEE

YES, ALL THREE REPUBLICAN SPEAKERS OF THE HOUSE INVOLVED IN BILL CLINTON’S IMPEACHMENT HAD SEX SCANDALS OF THEIR OWN. A good reminder that the people who support abstinence education are usually the ones who need it the most.

BUS-TED—A 7-year-old Texas girl was able to use a note she forged that misspelled the word "bus" to get out of an after school program. Authorities suspect that the Texas teachers that were fooled may have also educated a young Rick Perry.

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