Happy Friday. On this day in 1940, in his first speech as prime minister, Winston Churchill said, "I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat," which in British cuisine is known as "the dinner special."

ANTHONY SENECAL, who served as Donald Trump's butler for 17 years, used Facebook this week to lecture "negroes" and suggest President Obama is a "Kenyan fraud" who should be "hung," meaning "hanged" in what was definitely not a Freudian slip.

THE SECRET SERVICE said it's aware of the threats and familiar with the slurs, which makes sense given how much time it spends following around Donald Trump.

THIS NEWS BREAKS just as Trump is trying to unite Republicans who think he's a terrible racist with the Republicans who think he's a wonderful one.

CRUSADING TEXAS SENATOR TED CRUZ has disabled a lot of government functionality in his short career. Now he’s setting his upsettingly beady eyes on derailing the executive and legislative branches at the same time!

STILL FUMING AT DONALD TRUMP, Cruz is quietly continuing his campaign for president, under the premise that he may not win the GOP nomination, but at least he can ensure voters hate whoever does.

BUT SINCE THAT ISN'T ENOUGH, Cruz has also announced he’s running for re-election to the Senate in 2018 – on the premise that there are still 45 more Dr. Seuss books he has to read on the floor of the Senate, to keep health care out of the hands of poor people.

ALTERNATIVE ROCK RELIC BILLY CORGAN ripped Bernie Sanders on Alex Jones’ conspiracy-themed radio show this week, trashing him like a critic reviewing any post-1995 Smashing Pumpkins album.

“WE'RE GOING TO GO BACK to these kind of crazy tax rates where we’re going to completely disempower the innovators in the country,” said Corgan, imagining the fallout of a far-fetched scenario wherein people would pay him to make new music.

ALSO, GIVEN SANDERS' strong youth support, Corgan may want to refrain from dissing him... if the "rocker" wants to continue dating college students without alienating them.

• Let's Put Politics Aside for a Moment and Pray for This Poor, Sick Animal
• Trump's Fluid Views on Infidelity
• EXCLUSIVE: We've Obtained an Official Copy of Donald Trump's Tax Return

NO, BILL O'REILLY DIDN'T LOSE CUSTODY OF HIS KIDS BECAUSE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. He was never granted custody of them to begin with... on account of being Bill O'Reilly.

LUCK OFF—A New York man has beaten all the odds by winning the lottery grand prize for a second time in four years. This was previously known as “being George W. Bush.”

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