Daily Newsletter April 20, 2016

Happy Wednesday. Today is the 20th day of National Grilled Cheese Month and we’ve still done almost nothing to stop the constant devouring of our beautiful grilled cheeses.

Trump Impressively Wins State He Lives In & That Ted Cruz Repeatedly Insulted

DONALD TRUMP STRUCK a more presidential tone in his victory speech after a resounding victory in the New York primary on Tuesday night, by dropping the cartoon-villain nicknames he uses for his opponents in his victory speech, and only retweeting one neo-Nazi.

WHILE THE BILLION-DOLLAR BABY still is not guaranteed to reach the threshold of 1,237 delegates needed to clinch the GOP nomination before the convention, Ted Cruz has been all but blocked from reaching that goal by New York voters who – after he repeatedly insulted “New York values” – treated him like a guy wearing a Red Sox tube-top in the Yankee Stadium bleachers.

CRUZ WOULD NEED A MIRACLE to win the nomination on the first ballot at the GOP convention now, but given that his father Rafael has said that Ted has God’s endorsement, we suppose anything is possible.

Clinton Revels in Home Cooking in State She Pretends to Be From

NEW YORK DEMOCRATS went to the polls on Tuesday and chose Hillary Clinton over Bernie Sanders – a victory owed to her strength among blue-collar workers in Buffalo, well-to-do executives in Westchester, and anyone who hadn’t been thrown off the voting rolls in Brooklyn.

“TODAY YOU PROVED once again there’s no place like home,” said the Illinois-born Clinton, who also lived in Massachusetts, Connecticut, Arkansas, and Washington, DC before moving to New York and running for the U.S. Senate within hours.

SANDERS, WHO PREDICTED an upset as voting began, wound up losing by over 15 points, reminding voters of his struggles with mathematics during a Daily News editorial board meeting. He now heads to Pennsylvania, where demographic advantages may favor him more than New York did. (Come close and we’ll whisper in your ear: It’s whiter!)

Michigan Gov. Vows to Drink Flint Water, Cribbing PR Strategy from "Fear Factor"

IT'S BEEN OVER 200 DAYS since Michigan Governor Rick Snyder admitted that the people of Flint had their water poisoned by lead. And though his administration hasn’t changed one pipe in Flint, he’s decided that he’s going to help out – by drinking Flint’s water for a month.

GOODBYE, GOVERNING! Hello, Fear Factor. And of course, there's a catch: The water will be filtered. (The millionaire governor needn’t worry about the time, cost and expense it takes to gather the 151 bottles a day the average family in Flint needs, to stay healthy.)

THE ONLY PEOPLE who seemed to like the governor’s idea are the PR team that obviously put it together, to heal the damage that has been done to the most precious resource in Michigan – Rick Snyder’s self-image.

What “Unifying” the Dem Party Behind Hillary Clinton Will Actually Entail

NO, AN OXFORD UNIVERSITY STUDY DID NOT FIND THAT A LARGE BUTT MAKES A WOMAN smarter and healthier. That was the conclusive finding of much of 1990s hip-hop.

DON’T HATE THE PLAYER—48 percent of people who buy vinyl records never listen to them, reminding America that before Napster, the record industry had one amazing scam going.

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