Happy Tuesday. On this day in 1998, Bill Clinton said, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." He later clarified that he was pointing to the podium and saying, "I did not have sexual relations with that, woman."

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IT TURNS OUT THAT SECRETLY RECORDING YOURSELF committing a crime and then spreading it online isn’t a great idea.

IN AUGUST, TEXAS LT. GOVERNOR DAN PATRICK — who opposes Planned Parenthood the way Gargamel opposes Smurfs — demanded an investigation of secretly filmed footage from the “Center for Medical Progress” that was edited to suggest that employees of the health non-profit were selling organs from aborted babies at a profit.

A HOUSTON GRAND JURY LOOKED AT THE FOOTAGE and found what just about every rational investigation of the footage found: anti-abortion activists trying to trick people into committing a crime and failing at it pretty miserably.

PLANNED PARENTHOOD COMMITTED NO ACTUAL CRIMES, the grand jury found. Two anti-abortion activists, however, have now been charged.

THE ONLY WAY THIS RESULT COULD HAVE BEEN MORE SATISFYING for pro-choice activists would be if the prosecutor had let The Simpsons' Nelson Muntz read the indictment.

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YOU MIGHT HAVE CONFUSED IT with the most awkward parent visit episode of The Bachelor ever, but last night's CNN programming was just a Democratic presidential candidate town hall in Iowa.

BERNIE SANDERS FANS WERE THRILLED to see a young man ask Clinton what they’d always dreamed of asking her, which basically came down to: Why do many young people think you’re a destructive force on par with projectile diarrhea, Mondays and voicemail?

TO MAKE SURE CLINTON GOT THE POINT, the questioner concluded, “In fact, I’ve heard quite a few people my age that think you’re dishonest.” He didn't get the chance to add, “I’ll take my high five from Senator Sanders off the air.”

“IF YOU'RE NEW TO POLITICS, if it’s the first time you’ve really paid attention, you go ‘oh my gosh, look at all of this’ and say, ‘why are they throwing all of that at her’?” Clinton answered, as she mentally deleted emails from her Blackberry.

SANDERS THEN PROVED HOW HONEST HE IS by promising that he would raise taxes to expand health care, college and probably patchouli rations.

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FOX'S BREAKTHROUGH SCIENCE-FICTION DRAMA The X-Files basically had exactly the right idea: It sat out most of the period between Clinton and Obama.

BUT NOW IT'S BACK TO SOLVE THE ISSUES we still haven’t figured out since it went off the air more than a decade ago: illegal aliens, government conspiracies like what happened to “Hootie” from Hootie and the Blowfish, and equal pay.

THE REUNION OF MULDER AND SCULLY was delayed because producers offered actress Gillian Anderson about half what they offered actor David Duchovny, “as usual.”

EQUAL PAY BETWEEN THE GENDERS has been an issue since the Kennedy administration, when the first legislation meant to level pay became law. JFK also was the first president to have a female doctor and attempted to have sex with 100 percent of American women.

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IT'S NOT EXACTLY A STIRRING ENDORSEMENT but Noam Chomsky would vote for Hillary Clinton, if it meant saving the world.

AS ONE OF THE MOST OUTSPOKEN CRITICS of American foreign policy and the best example of what Robin Williams would look like if he lived to be 87, the MIT professor emeritus often accuses America of committing war crimes. But he’s not going for that “both sides” BS.

“TODAY, THE REPUBLICAN PARTY HAS DRIFTED OFF THE RAILS,” Chomsky told The Huffington Post. “It’s become what the respected conservative political analysts Thomas Mann and Norman Ornstein call ‘a radical insurgency’ that has pretty much abandoned parliamentary politics.”

HE THINKS THAT IS BAD. But its biggest danger is its stance on climate change, which they believe was made up by scientists in order to give conservatives a chance to make “Al Gore is fat” jokes.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, Chomsky said he likes Bernie Sanders who he calls “a committed New Dealer” and one of his personal “style icons.” But he would vote for Hillary Clinton in a general election if he lived in a swing state like Ohio, Florida or any state Newt Gingrich lives in.

NO, DONALD TRUMP'S SPOKESPERSON DID NOT TWEET THAT OBAMA WAS THE "HEAD NEGRO IN CHARGE." She tweeted that before she became Donald Trump's spokesperson. So it's way different.

BREAK ASS IN CASE OF EMERGENCY—Hoverboard riders are being told to ride with a fire extinguisher as part of a continuing experiment to see how much more embarrassment Hoverboard riders are willing to endure.