Happy Tuesday. On this day in 1973, Watergate hearings began in the United States Senate, producing the best congressional discussions of a “Tricky Dick” until the Clinton impeachment.

NEWT GINGRICH let it be known this week that he’s available to be vice president should Donald Trump seek an angry white male from the ‘80s and ‘90s – you know, to balance out his ticket.

“WE'RE PRETTY BUSY, but we could be lured into a new path,” said the former House Speaker, showing as much coy restraint as Wilt Chamberlain in the cheerleaders’ locker room.

GINGRICH COMES AS A PAIR with his ubiquitous wife Callista, a constant presence due to the understanding that he cannot be left alone for ten minutes without having an affair.

AS GINGRICH OPENLY CAMPAIGNS to be Trump's VP, the man who hired his own racist butler, chose himself as his own spokesman and named Piers Morgan his Celebrity Apprentice now needs to pick his most important apprentice of all, a running mate for the 2016 election.

SOME OBSERVERS EXPECT him to choose a member of one of the groups he’s alienated during his primary campaign – African-Americans, women or homo sapiens who aren’t Donald Trump.

BEN CARSON SEEMED TO LEAK a list of possible choices this weekend. Since then, several of those names – Ted Cruz, John Kasich and Marco Rubio – all declined the position, understandably not wanting to be on any list that included Sarah Palin and Chris Christie.

MERRICK GARLAND, whose nomination to the Supreme Court has been thwarted by GOP jowl model Mitch McConnell, will now receive a friendly but fake confirmation hearing by Senate Democrats – the most hollow political gesture since George W. Bush addressed the NAACP.

GARLAND HIMSELF WILL MISS THE EVENT but instead address the graduating seniors of Niles West High School in Illinois, under the rationale that they hold far more power and influence than Senate Democrats.

REPUBLICANS INSIST they will reject Garland’s nomination so that the next Supreme Court justice can be chosen by their nominee Donald J. Trump – presumably via swimsuit contest.

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YES, THE FIRST PENIS TRANSPLANT HAS TAKEN PLACE IN THE UNITED STATES. But this shouldn't be confused with the country's first dick transplant, which happened when Piers Morgan moved here from the UK.

THE HORNIEST PLACE ON EARTH—An amusement park devoted to sex is set to open in Brazil, which should make for some pretty interesting “You must be this tall to go on this ride” signs.

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