Happy Thursday. On this day in 1917, the U.S. took possession of the Danish West Indies and named them the Virgin Islands, obviously hoping that we’d lose them rather quickly.

DONALD TRUMP made the mistake on Wednesday of trying to explain the position on abortion he’s obviously assumed to convince GOP voters he isn’t just exploiting their racial resentment to win their nomination, get a better plane and appear every morning on Morning Joe.

THERE HAS TO BE “some form of punishment” for women who have an abortion, he told Pixar villain Chris Matthews, the host of MSNBC’s Hardball and the only person who has gotten Trump to answer a direct question in the twenty-first century.

WHEN A FIRESTORM ERUPTED from pro-lifers and pro-choicers who aren’t used to someone admitting the obvious consequences of banning abortion aloud, Trump quickly revised his opinion back to the standard right-wing belief that only the doctor should be punished, stalked and possibly assassinated.

SEIZING ON TRUMP'S embarrassing abortion gaffe, Ted Cruz declared himself the GOP’s pro-woman candidate on Wednesday – effective immediately and lasting all the way until the Republican convention or until voters laugh him off the stage, whichever comes first.

THE TEXAS SENATOR, who has campaigned on a platform of prosecuting Planned Parenthood and believes raped women should be forced to give birth to their attacker’s offspring, showcased his “Women for Cruz” coalition, which consists of his wife, his mother, and any female reporters assigned to cover Trump's campaign.

SKIMMING PAST HIS LONGSTANDING OPPOSITION to equal pay laws, Cruz instead emphasized his mother Eleanor, who has always been by his side in moments when she can be of use to him. Eleanor, an American citizen, has also been able to rebuff “birthers” who allege that Cruz is ineligible to be president because he was actually born via spore on the evil planet Zogg.

TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE – the kind where a 73-year-old Republican governor is caught on tape talking breathlessly about his married 44-year-old female aide’s breasts – is alive and well in Alabama.

LAST WEEK, FORMER STATE LAW ENFORCEMENT CHIEF Spencer Collier accused his old boss Governor Robert Bentley of engaging in an affair with Rebekah Mason, an aide 39 years his junior. Collier backed up the claims with recordings of the governor made by his family in an effort to determine if he was down with OPP.

THE STATE, which has furiously fought the legalization of same-sex marriage to the point where it’s still arguing that the Supreme Court’s ruling on the matter is “invalid,” is now enjoying a good old traditional marriage scandal... the way God intended.

RED ROBIN IS AIMING TO SOLVE America's constant need for new burgers with a sandwich that combines our passion for meat between buns, with our fondness for romanticizing the poverty of college students.

THE SANDWICH IS BASED on Keizo Shimamoto's original Ramen Burger, which debuted to rave reviews in 2013 at a food festival in Brooklyn, outshining a burger that’s literally served between two toasted man buns.

ON APRIL 19, the first 22 college students who skip class to get the ramen burger will only pay 22 cents, which is the average price of an instant ramen package and also how much the average student adds to his or her college loan debt every minute of their early twenties.

• Bank of America Vows to Publicly Scold Every Bigoted Politician It Privately Funds
• The Presidential Candidates as the Golden Girls
• An Amazing Photo of a Young Ted Cruz
• The Donald Trump Edition of Pac-Man Looks Incredibly Easy

YES, BERNIE SANDERS DID REGULARLY FLY COACH UNTIL LATE 2015, but the Secret Service put a stop to that. So if some guy in coach tells you he’s Bernie, he’s probably just trying to get laid.

THE BRIGHT SIDE—Thanks to global warming you can now travel on a cruise ship through the Arctic Ocean, which scientists think is excellent preparation for when we’ll all have to live on cruise ships.

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