Helping Johnny Respond to the Tough Questions

Johnny is an 8 year old foster child and is playing during recess when some of his curious classmates start asking him questions. Who are your real parents? What did you do to end up in foster care? How long will you be in our class? Johnny does his best to answer the questions but isn’t quite sure what to say. He, himself, is confused by his emotions because he likes his foster family, but he wants to be home.

Johnny returns to his foster home after school looking glum. He seems easily agitated and when his foster mom asks him how his day was he responds with, “fine.” She can see Johnny is upset about something but is not yet ready to talk. She suggests biking together, but Johnny remains quiet throughout the ride. Once they return his foster mom makes his favorite snack and they sit down together at the table.

His foster mom gently starts asking more about his day and when she asks about recess, tears start seeping from Johnny’s eyes. She pulls up a chair and he starts telling her about all of the questions from the other kids on the playground and how confused and sad he feels.

His foster mom listens attentively and continues to prompt him to share his feelings ever more deeply. Johnny is scared his mom is going to be hurt by her boyfriend. He’s afraid his mom is going to hurt herself when she’s drinking and Johnny’s not there to get her to her bed safely. He’s afraid he will never go home and he misses his dog, his room, and his mom. Johnny's foster mom empathizes with him and continues to just let Johnny share all of his fears and feelings.

Later that evening, after he’s calmed down, Johnny and his foster parents discuss how Johnny’s story is his personal information and he can choose how much he wants to share or even tell people that he doesn’t want to talk about it with them. Then, they brainstorm and practice some possible answers to personal questions that Johnny could give in the future. Answers like, “I don’t feel like talking right now. Let’s play soccer instead.” Or, “I’m living with my foster parents so my family can focus on some really important stuff.” Johnny feels better equipped to handle recess the next day, and while he doesn’t yet have the answers, he realizes he does have a foster mom and dad to help him through it.

What is Active Listening?

"Active listening is a little bit like listening on steroids. When we listen passively, we are listening for content - we want to hear and understand the words that are being spoken. Active listening takes listening to a new level where we are trying to understand the complete message. It involves paying attention to what is being said and how it is being said. It involves being aware of body language, voice inflection and overall attitude."
-Wayne Parker, How to Practice Active Listening with Your Children, About Parenting

Read the Full Article Here

Ways to Practice Active Listening

As Support Team members, here are some tangible ways to promote active listening with kids in foster care.

Let children tell you their story in their own way and in their own time frame.
When the children do talk about their history, focus on being a good and empathetic listener.
Recognize there may be times when a foster parent needs some one-on-one time with an individual child. During these times, offer to care for the other children in the family home.
Be willing to brainstorm solutions to issues the children share with you and let the foster parents know what you have discussed and suggested.
If invited to role-play situations the child has faced, be willing to participate.

View Past Support Team Newsletters

April 2015: Embracing Color Appreciation Over Color Blindness

Support Team: Fundamentals

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