Happy Tuesday. Today is National Deep Dish Pizza Day, when we celebrate by putting sauce and cheese on a glorified pot pie and inaccurately agree to call it "pizza" so as not to offend people who live in Chicago.

LIVE ON A STAGE IN WISCONSIN last night, millionaire TV star Sean Hannity could barely contain his ardor for billionaire Twitter star Donald Trump, as the former smiled, blushed, and fed him softball questions as though they were peeled grapes.

LIKE ANY CABLE NEWS VET who knows he has to hold his audience through 5 blocks of commercials for gold futures and adult diapers, Hannity saved his hardest hitting question for the end: “Do you have a nickname for Hillary?”

THE INTERVIEW ACTUALLY BEGAN with what seemed to be a tough question about Trump’s incoherent abortion stance on Hardball With Chris Matthews… except the Fox host couldn’t let Trump speak without bailing him out. The message was clear: No cable TV loudmouth was going to undercut Hannity’s chosen candidate Donald Trump – particularly not that cable TV loudmouth Donald Trump.

IT WAS ONCE REPORTED that the rich, conservative Koch brothers and their network of super-donors were planning to spend close to a billion dollars to buy the White House for a Republican. But that was before Trump took over the party like termites take over a wooden leg.

SO WHAT'S A REAL BILLIONAIRE TO DO when a TV billionaire undermines your plan to free America from the twin scourges of rich people paying taxes and retirement? Draft the “intellectual force” behind the party’s plans to gut most everything government does: Paul Ryan!

RYAN, AS ALWAYS, is playing hard-to-get, visiting Israel in his first foreign trip as Speaker, a trip that all presidential candidates tend to take to prove that they know how to board a plane and say, “Take me to the one place in the Middle East where I can get a decent bagel.”

ABOUT 187 GALLONS OF CRUDE OIL spilled out of the original Keystone Pipeline in South Dakota over the weekend, reminding America that oil doesn’t need to be used properly to cause damage.

THIS IS A TINY SPILL compared to, say, the reported 4.2 million gallons of crude now sweetening the Gulf of Mexico thanks to the Deep Water Horizon spill and the half a million gallons a day it ships from Alberta to Illinois.

IN ITS FIRST YEAR after George W. Bush approved the original pipeline in 2008 it leaked 12 times, making it the most successful thing George W. Bush did in 2008.

WITH A BUZZER-BEATING SHOT launched from two feet behind the three-point line, junior Kris Jenkins led number-two seed Villanova to a 77-74 win over number-one seed North Carolina in the NCAA Finals. It’s the school’s second NCAA championship and its first since 1985, back before the advent of shorts that fit men comfortably.

THE MAN BEING FORCED to pay the price of all this glory is the greatest basketball player ever and the only living being who can (possibly) acceptably rock a Hitler mustache – Michael Jordan.

MEMES OF NORTH CAROLINA'S most famous alumnus crying as the Tar Heels were denied their sixth championship spread across the internet at speeds only previously thought possible for a sex tape. It may be some small measure of karma for the man who has posterized more adult males than anyone else on earth.

• Turns Out Obama Tried to Warn Us About This Whole Election Fiasco
• WATCH: The Fantasy Bernie Sanders Dreams About Every Night...
• Wise Words From George Carlin

NO, A CELEBRITY PROBABLY DIDN’T HAVE A FLAT TIRE in your hometown. That’s just what cheating dads tell their overly inquisitive kids who catch them coming home late.

HEADS UP—The TSA paid $1.4 million for a “randomizer” app that chooses to send passengers right or left, which is only $13,999,999.99 more than it would have cost to flip a penny.

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