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CAFE's Daily Newsletter January 28, 2016
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Happy Thursday. Today is Data Privacy Day, the day your significant other gets to check all your emails to make sure they're safe, at least according to ours.

(Credit: Getty Images)

ON THE DAY AFTER 9/11, Michael Jackson reportedly fled Manhattan in a rented Toyota Camry. On the way out of the city, he picked up Marlon Brando and Elizabeth Taylor, who were in town for Michael’s star-saturated 30th anniversary concerts, and the threesome zoomed off to Ohio, arguing and eating fast food the whole way.

 

NOW THE STORY IS ABOUT TO BECOME A MOVIE starring white guy Joseph Fiennes as Michael, which is probably the most predictable and inevitable #OscarsSoWhite joke ever.


THE PRODUCERS MUST ASSUME THAT CASTING FIENNES is not just a solid strategy to score an Oscar nod — but that America is ready and willing to accept a white person trying to impersonate Michael Jackson.

 

JUST LOOK AT JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE.

(Credit: YouTube)

FOX NEWS BRIEFLY TURNED INTO A BIZARRO VERSION of A&E’s Intervention on Wednesday night.

 

BILL O'REILLY ATTEMPTED to talk Donald Trump into showing up for Thursday night’s debate, which without him is like watching your step-dad’s friends hocking spittle at Obama on the set of a Las Vegas show for three hours.

 

O'REILLY IMPLORED TRUMP TO "TURN THE OTHER CHEEK," as suggested in The Bible, a book Trump pretends to love — though he prefers the movie adaptation Home Alone, because he’s in it.

 

LIKE MOST FIRST INTERVENTIONS, this one failed because the consequences were not yet severe enough. Actually, for Trump, the consequences — more media attention — are exactly what he needs to keep from shriveling into a ball of testicle skin, toner and scalp glue.

(Credit: Getty Images)

THE FEDS' STRATEGY of waiting out the Oregon militia members who’ve been occupying a federal wildlife preserve since January 2 doesn’t seem as toothless as it did for most of the month.

 

BEING WHITE DEFINITELY HAS ITS PRIVILEGES. But those privileges don’t include being able to take a quick road trip from your standoff with the government.

 

EIGHT MEMBERS OF THE GROUP were arrested and the group’s spokesman Robert Finicum tragically died Tuesday after a shootout with FBI agents on a remote highway.


THE LOCALS, WHO WERE MOSTLY SUPPORTIVE of the militia at first, now seem split and mostly pissed that reporters are lingering around a rural area most people live in to avoid cameras and people without facial hair.

 

A GROUP OF NATIVE AMERICANS from the area called the occupiers’ ignorance of the region’s real history offensive. Apparently they preferred the previous occupiers — the U.S. government.

Marco Rubio Wants To Turn You On

NO, THERE WAS NEVER A VATICAN WOMEN'S RIFLE TEAM. That's just something Rick Santorum had staged for his personal erotic needs.

DRUNK DIALING—Uber is experimenting with giving drunk passengers a Bop It toy to distract them. But how drunk do you have to be to prefer Bop It to the smartphone you used to call an Uber?

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