Daily Newsletter May 18, 2016

Happy Wednesday. Today is the 44th annual Accounting Day, when we celebrate the profession that will eventually decide if it’s cheaper to replace you with a robot.

Donald Trump & Megyn Kelly Bond Over Mutual Love of Ratings

DONALD TRUMP HAS PROVEN the adage that if you objectify, belittle, and taunt a person long enough, she will eventually invite you into her studio for a softball interview session.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED Tuesday night when the GOP frontrunner made a much-hyped appearance with Fox News host Megyn Kelly, who responded to being called a “bimbo” by asking Trump what his favorite movie is.

THE PAIR PLEDGED to sweep previous animosity under the rug, vowing that it would never again resurface except possibly during midseason sweeps.

Dictator With Bad Hair Who Inherited Everything from Dad Willing to Meet With Kim Jong-Un

AFTER FEUDING with both liberals and conservatives in the government of our ally the United Kingdom, Trump has finally found a world leader he thinks he can relate to – North Korea’s Kim Jong-un.

“I WOULD SPEAK TO HIM, I would have no problem speaking to him,” he revealed on Tuesday. The two would have plenty to talk about, including their unconventional hair choices, inability to discern comedy from reality and having to pretend you didn’t inherit your life from your dad.

ONCE RELATIONS ARE ESTABLISHED Trump can get down to the real diplomatic work: Meeting Miss North Korea.

Sanders Has Another Strong Night as Dems Reiterate Desire to Sleep Around Until the Wedding Night

BERNIE SANDERS WON the Oregon Democratic primary and drew Hillary Clinton to a virtual tie in Kentucky Tuesday night, as Democratic primary voters decided to let Hillary Clinton squirm just a bit more before the convention.

ON THE REPUBLICAN SIDE, Donald J. Trump steamrolled the field, reflecting the fact that all his competitors have dropped out to form 2020 exploratory committees – or are sending resumes to hedge funds and oil companies as we speak.

Nevada Democrats Debate Merits of Progressive, European-Style Death Threats

MEANWHILE, SANDERS' TEAM suggested Tuesday that Clinton's people tried to steal the election in Nevada, leading some of his supporters to reportedly threaten a state party official – and turning the state's politics into a soap opera worse than General Hospital: Night Shift.

FOLLOWING THE CHAOTIC STATE CONVENTION, party chair Roberta Lange says she's received thousands of menacing voicemails and texts from Sanders supporters, some hinting at the worst fate of any Nevadan since Fredo Corleone.

SENATE MINORITY LEADER HARRY REID has told Sanders to rein his supporters in, lest he return to work and find his committee assignments revoked – or worse, his desk pushed next to Ted Cruz’s.

Texas Pol Tries to Defend Anti-Trans Law… and Suddenly Can’t Hear Anymore

YES, BUDWEISER IS CHANGING ITS NAME TO "AMERICA," BUT ONLY FOR THE SUMMER. The brand is following Donald Trump’s model of repackaging sour drool as something patriotic.

RUNS TO THE BORDER—A man’s first words after a 47-day coma were “I want Taco Bell.” He was presumably suffering from constipation.

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