Happy Wednesday. On this day in 1454, Amerigo Vespucci – the man who figured out Columbus had actually “discovered” America and not Asia’s eastern outskirts – discovered the way out of his mother's womb and into the world.

MICHIGAN MAY BE HOME to America’s auto industry and largest population of Muslims – but displaying the rebellious outlaw spirit that the eastern third of the Upper Midwest is legendary for, Michiganders used their presidential primary to vote for Bernie Sanders, who was accused of opposing the auto bailout, and Donald Trump, who wants a moratorium on Muslim immigration.

THE STATE'S REPUBLICANS were "supposed" to vote for Marco Rubio, as native son and future-TV-dad Mitt Romney patiently tried to explain. And its Democrats were supposed to either vote for Hillary Clinton or go out and get a “Leaded Water 4-Eva” tattoo.

TRUMP CELEBRATED HIS WINS with a preview of how he’d use the Oval Office: To sell Trump swag. He briefly acknowledged his victory and then directed reporters to a display of Trump® brand steak, Trump® brand wine, and Trump® brand bottled water.

PERHAPS SALES OF THE ITEMS would offset the multi-trillion dollar deficit in Trump’s proposed budgets, or perhaps he just wanted to show off his only three branded items that aren’t made in China.

TRUMP HAS RELEASED his generous estimation of his male anatomy size, but we still haven’t seen a peek at his tax returns.

ON TUESDAY WE GOT A HINT of why he doesn’t want to reveal his tax returns when Crain’s reported that he took a tax break that only goes to “middle class” people who earn under $500,000 year, also known to Donald Trump as “losers” or “nannies.”

SO TRUMP IS EITHER CHEATING ON HIS TAXES or cheating on the Republican voters, who see him as their honest rich great uncle because he’s willing to say the things about Muslims and Mexicans they only yell at people as they pass them at bus stops.

CHANCES ARE HE'S CHEATING ON BOTH, and will get away with both. And this estimation isn’t just based on his marital record.

KIM KARDASHIAN'S NUDE PHOTO on Monday was shocking – it led to a revelation that Bette Midler is still alive and good at Twitter fights.

KARDASHIAN'S "NUDE" WAS SHARED OVER 128,000 TIMES – which is how you should judge everything. Midler responded, "If Kim wants us to see a part of her we've never seen, she's gonna have to swallow the camera."

KARDASHIAN TOOK OFFENSE and tweeted back, "hey @BetteMidler I know it's past your bedtime but if you're still up and reading this send nudes #justkidding."

THIS IS KNOWN AS "MOM SHAMING" or "old shaming" or "something your social media consultant told you to tweet between Adderalls."

"IF RONALD REAGAN WERE ALIVE TODAY ... he could no more get the nomination of the Republican Party than I could get the nomination," Vice President Biden told a reporter travelling with him across the Middle East in his search for the origin of hummus.

REAGAN HAD TO WORK WITH DEMOCRATS because they controlled the House for his entire presidency, and because of that he signed lots of laws that did liberal things like save Social Security, expand Medicaid and require emergency rooms to accept anyone who was dying even if they weren’t rich, white and insured.

THE GOP HAS BEEN MOVING more and more to the right recently, because they're scared of losing a primary challenge. Biden blamed some of the "petty and venal” attitude of the GOP on their gerrymandering of districts, which definitely plays some role but is kind of like blaming pizza for your diabetes.

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NO, DONALD TRUMP DID NOT TWEET A PICTURE OF HIS PENIS. He’s waiting for the general election before he moves to the center.

OH, CANADA—A Canadian federal employee who complained about her co-worker’s flatulence, "strange yawns” and washing his feet with vinegar has been granted a new office. But her co-worker was not fired, proving that Canada really is too nice.

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