Happy Wednesday. On this day in 1949, George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four is published, predicting a tyrannical future where the government engages in mass surveillance through televisions instead of just tricking everyone into posting everything on Facebook.

CLINCHING A PRIMARY BATTLE that proved far more competitive than pundits and Debbie Wasserman Schultz had anticipated, Hillary Clinton defeated Bernie Sanders in four states Tuesday, landing the coveted prize of being incessantly trolled by Donald Trump for the next five months.

TRUMP PLANS TO REWARD Clinton’s victories in California, New Mexico, South Dakota, and New Jersey with a speech in which he dredges up all her scandals from the 1970s to the present... pausing only to hawk steak and bottled water.

AFTER PAUL RYAN called his attacks on Judge Gonzalo Curiel’s Mexican heritage “textbook racism” and Mitch McConnell told him to stop attacking “various minority groups” (presumably to just focus on one), Donald Trump issued a statement Tuesday saying his statements had been “misconstrued.”

"I AM FRIENDS WITH and employ thousands of people of Mexican and Hispanic descent,” Trump explained, either as the classic evidence bigots offer to explain away their bigotry – or an explanation for why polls surprisingly show there are still a few Latino people planning to vote for him in November.

NOW THAT THESE FALSE and unfair charges of racism have all been cleared up, Trump can focus on the general election where he has a chance to make history by becoming the first Birther president.

DONALD TRUMP has been coy about endorsing any person or thing that doesn’t have Trump in its title, but he recently threw his support behind North Carolina Representative Renee Ellmers – the first woman he’s approved of without first inspecting in a bathing suit.

ELLMERS' REWARD for this endorsement? A humiliating defeat in Tuesday’s primary election. She became the first incumbent Republican to lose in 2016, unless you count Ted Cruz losing his title of “most repulsive man in politics.”

MEANWHILE TRUMP HIMSELF received the opposite treatment when Sen. Mark Kirk (R-IL) unendorsed him, trying to salvage his own career before voters discard him like a cheap Donald J. Trump Collection® tie.

AFTER STANFORD STUDENT Brock Turner received just six months for sexually assaulting a young unconscious woman behind a dumpster, it was revealed Tuesday that the rapist's friend had written the sentencing judge to say it was all a "misunderstanding."

THE MAN'S FATHER also reportedly wrote a letter saying his son had just engaged in "20 minutes of action" and lamenting that his life "will never be the one he... worked so hard to achieve," something that apparently should never be taken without someone's consent.

THE VERDICT has now sparked a rigorous debate between those concerned America doesn't care about protecting women, versus those who think they're keeping them safe from imaginary threats from trans women in bathrooms.

MORE THAN 70 PEOPLE were reportedly taken to the hospital this week during the Rock am Ring music festival in Germany, due to injuries sustained from lighting strikes and flying debris.

ONE OF THE HEADLINERS at this year's festival was Black Sabbath. Fortunately for attendees, the only "Electric Funeral" was from the British rock band.

NO, CALIFORNIA DID NOT PASS A LAW THAT WOULD JAIL PEOPLE WHO DENY CLIMATE CHANGE EXISTS. But it doesn't matter anyway, since the science on "jail" is inconclusive.

FEAR SIGHTED—Fish can recognize human faces, according to a new study, but they should probably work on recognizing hooks first.

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Ziwe Fumudoh
Elias Isquith
Dylan Ris
Jason Sattler
Hannah Vazquez
Blake Zeff