Daily Newsletter March 17, 2016

Happy Thursday. Today is St. Patrick's Day, the only holiday when a guy can take a break from peeing in a Coors can to complain how letting gay people in a parade offends his morality.

Billionaire Vows Populist Uprising If He Doesn’t Inherit Thing He Hasn’t Earned

ON WEDNESDAY, Donald Trump warned us of the real threat to law and order in America – sad Trump fans.

“I THINK YOU'D HAVE RIOTS,” he told CNN when asked what what he thinks would happen if he doesn’t leave this year’s Republican National Convention without the party’s presidential nomination. “I think bad things would happen.”

SOUNDS DANGEROUS. Maybe we should shut these guys down from traveling temporarily, just till we can figure out how much CNN you have to watch to become radicalized by Trump.

BREAKING: The Republican Party

SOMEONE IS THINKING of going third-party and for once it isn’t Trump.

“THREE INFLUENTIAL LEADERS of the conservative movement have summoned other top conservatives for a closed-door meeting Thursday in Washington, D.C., to talk about how to stop Donald Trump and, should he become the Republican nominee, how to run a third-party ‘true conservative’ challenger in the fall,” Politico reported.

A “TRUE CONSERVATIVE” would presumably have less than two divorces – and basically be someone exactly like the 15 “true conservatives” that Trump has beaten in this primary of horrors. Conservatives say the planning is only in “embryonic” stages – but we know how conservatives feel about letting embryos die.

GOP Refuses to Meet With Merrick Garland, Despite Name Sounding Like Delicious Appetizer

SURPRISINGLY, MERRICK GARLAND is neither a high-priced TGI Fridays menu item, nor the name of a candle your mother wants for her bathroom. He’s President Obama’s pick to replace Antonin Scalia on the Supreme Court – a moderate pick that the right won't even consider.

AT 63 YEARS OLD, he’s about twenty years older than most recent picks and would likely only last on the court for one generation instead of two, meaning he’d probably rule on Man v. Jetpack but not Genetically Engineered Dinosaur v. Flying Hyundai.

JUST LAST WEEK key Republican Senator Orrin Hatch literally said that President Obama should pick Merrick Garland for this position. So what does Hatch say now? He still plans to refuse to even meet with Merrick Garland... or order one for dinner.

Dad in “American Pie” Unfazed by Anything At This Point, Comes Out for Legal Weed

VERMONT IS ABOUT TO BECOME the first state in the Union to legalize pot by legislation (rather than ballot proposition) in an obvious attempt to remind the nation that it gave us Bernie Sanders.

AND NOW FORMER SECOND CITY STAR and the father-figure of all forty-nine American Pie movies Eugene Levy has come out for legalization, according to US Magazine "reporting" something they heard on Huffington Post Live.

THE RIGHT TO SMOKE POT is being spread the way all good things come to America: slowly, unfairly and almost exclusively to the benefit of richer white people.

What Could Possibly Go Wrong With a President Trump?

NO, “FOREVER” STAMPS ARE NOT DELIVERED more slowly than regular postage. Also, you will age even if you shop at Forever 21.

STREETS PAVED WITH GOLD—You will no longer be arrested for public urination in New York City, so now it's completely impossible to jail a banker.

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