Daily Newsletter June 9, 2016

Happy Thursday. On this day in 1958, rocker Jerry Lee Lewis took out a full-page ad in Billboard Magazine to explain why he was divorcing his second wife to marry his 14-year-old cousin, a PR tactic that shockingly no artist has ever attempted again.

Trump & Gingrich Remind America Why No One Can Stay Married To Either One

POLITICAL ALLIES Donald Trump and Newt Gingrich have a lot in common: three marriages each, scandals involving scam university courses, and an uncanny resemblance to evil snowmen who've been magically brought to life.

ON WEDNESDAY, Gingrich bashed Trump for making a "stupid mistake" in attacking a Mexican-American judge – but the lovers’ spat was quickly smoothed, like all healthy relationships, over Twitter... where the 72-year-old Newt called the 69-year-old Donald “a gifted amateur” who will win.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL: Donald Trump has won Newt Gingrich’s heart. And based on Newt's marital history, we all know the only way Trump can lose his loyal devotion now is to get cancer.

Hugh Hewitt Says GOP Must Drop Trump or Become as Irrelevant as Hugh Hewitt

MANY ELECTED REPUBLICANS have made news by running from Donald Trump faster than a cheetah being chased by the Trump Brothers, but conservative radio host Hugh Hewitt has upped the ante by suggesting that the party dump Trump altogether.

HEWITT POSTULATES that Trump will so alienate moderates and minorities of all stripes that the only remaining Republican voters will be the crusty white men who waste their afternoons listening to The Hugh Hewitt Show.

HEWITT HASN'T SPECIFIED who he thinks should replace Trump as the nominee, but a safe guess is a guy whose name can be rearranged to spell “My I’m Rotten” or “Ritt Momney.”

Socialist Hopes to Redistribute One-Percenter’s Delegates

MATHEMATICALLY ELIMINATED from winning a majority of pledged delegates, insurgent presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has shifted to a new strategy to acquire delegates: Asking Democratic leaders to give him some of Hillary Clinton’s.

SANDERS HAS PLEDGED to stay in the race, and while his plan to flip superdelegates hasn't exactly worked so far, remember that convention city Philadelphia has witnessed many miracles – like the transformation of Sylvester Stallone into a respectable actor.

SANDERS' CAMPAIGN has been anything but a failure. On Thursday, he will – as promised – take his political revolution all the way to the White House (where the sitting president will politely encourage him to drop out).

Florida Dad Sells Son’s SUV to Save Him From A Life Of Floridaness

FLORIDA FATHER Allan Gieger Jr. became a viral sensation this week, after deciding to sell his son’s SUV when the young man started “driving around with his friends smoking dope and acting like a thug.”

DESPITE BEING “dirty as hell inside,” the car sold in two hours on CraigsList, possibly because Gieger offered a $250 discount for locals, "just so he sees it every now and then so it'll remind him of how good he had it!"

THE GIEGERS probably won’t have to worry about their son "thugging" any more. After the internet watches you get virtually spanked, you kinda lose your street cred.

NO, MOST HOOKS IN HOTEL ROOMS AREN’T SPYCAMS. They’re barely even functional hooks.

GAME OFF—High school senior Chris Burwell took a copy of the video game Super Smash Bros. Melee to prom. He should be saluted by school officials for not only practicing safe sex but taking a lifetime vow of involuntary abstinence.

The News in 30 Seconds: 6/8/16
SO ABOUT BERNIE SANDERS...

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