Happy Friday. On this day in 1793, the first public zoo opened in Paris. Wild animals have been babysitting our kids ever since.

AFTER A PRIMARY SEASON in which they seemed farther apart than any two of Mitt Romney’s homes chosen at random, key Democrats are suddenly hurdling over teeming heaps of lobbyists to pretend they supported Hillary Clinton all along.

IT BEGAN WHEN Bernie Sanders visited Barack Obama, who endorsed Hillary Clinton, who said she would consider running with Elizabeth Warren, who got winked at and sent a free drink by Joe Biden.

IN THE END, all five key Democrats affirmed a plan to unite and stop Donald Trump, a plan as bold and edgy as all of The Avengers affirming a plan to unite and get rich filming more sequels.

USA TODAY - the newspaper that insists on using all-caps the way your great uncle did when he first got email - has found hundreds of workers who say they've been stiffed by Donald Trump... including painters, carpenters and even the lawyers he used to stiff his ex-employees and contractors.

TRUMP SHRUGGED OFF the report Thursday, saying he doesn't feel obligated to pay bills when he's unhappy with the work, which may also be his excuse for not paying income taxes for at least two years in the '70s. Listen, he’ll pay when America is great again, okay?

MEANWHILE, if the stories about stiffing his workers resonate with the public, Trump may have to come up with another reason for not paying them - like maybe the workers' ethnic heritage.

IF HILLARY CLINTON was hoping to win the crotch-grabbing, anthem-screaming, Tom Arnold-marrying demographic of the American electorate, too bad: Roseanne Barr supports Donald Trump.

"I THINK WE WOULD BE SO LUCKY if Trump won,” Roseanne said of her preferred candidate who, like her, peaked in 1987 with the debut of Roseanne and the release of Trump: Art of the Deal, respectively.

ROSEANNE'S AFFINITY for Trump is curious as she herself was the 2012 presidential candidate of the Peace & Freedom Party, a party that effectively dissolved as a result of her candidacy. Well, maybe she and Trump have something in common after all.

AT A TARGET STORE in Evanston, Illinois, a small bomb exploded in a women’s bathroom Wednesday, prompting an investigation into whether it was connected to the store's policy allowing trans people to use the bathroom matching their gender identity.

OVER 1.3 MILLION people have signed an online petition vowing to boycott Target over the company’s decision to stand by the LGBT community with the new policy.

LUCKILY FOR THOSE PROTESTERS, they are welcome to get their pee on at any local hate-filled Walmart.

NO, THIS PHOTO DOES NOT PROVE THAT HILLARY CLINTON IS “INCONTINENT.” It proves that whoever Photoshopped it only has a sketchy concept of female anatomy.

WOWSERS - An Iranian soccer player has been suspended for six months after a picture surfaced of him wearing Spongebob pants, which is a more severe punishment than he’d get for not wearing any pants at all.

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Ziwe Fumudoh
Briana Haynie
Elias Isquith
Dylan Ris
Jason Sattler
Blake Zeff