Happy Thursday. On this day in 2015, you vowed to yourself that you would finish your taxes earlier next year, a vow you will repeat nine more times today.

DONALD TRUMP has been doing so much whining about the GOP nomination process that even Republican National Chairman Reince Priebus, who is paid to pretend to like every Republican, told the billion-dollar baby to “Give us all a break” this week.

SO NOW, TO KEEP TED CRUZ from swiping the nomination, Trump has hired top strategist Paul Manafort – whose extensive career includes working for clients who have recruited child soldiers, planting land mines in schoolyards and supervising torture, according to a new report.

THIS RESUME would make for a pretty awkward “So what’s your biggest weakness?” portion of a job interview, if Manafort were seeking employment from anyone but Trump.

TAKING A PAGE from President Obama’s 2008 primary playbook, Bernie Sanders devoted Wednesday night to the time-honored tradition of standing beneath the venerated arch of New York’s storied Washington Square Park and ripping into Hillary Clinton.

ANCHORED IN THE SAME SPOT where Obama boldly scolded Clinton for being an inadequate Yankees fan in 2007, Sanders recalled the Obama of 2007, only older, whiter, crankier, and with fewer votes. To be fair, present-day Clinton recalls the Clinton of 2007, only older, whiter (hair), richer... and still comically unable to wrap up a nomination.

THE WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK RALLY drew several celebrities, including Spike Lee, who described a socialist utopia where directors who lost it 20 years ago can comfortably retire without having to make dreck like She Hate Me.

BERNIE SANDERS WAS MOCKED by the mainstream media for telling the New York Daily News that he would simply use authority the president already has to break up the big banks.

THE PAPER WAS MORE PARTIAL toward Hillary Clinton’s assessment that essentially stated the same thing, but with liturgical citations to the exact sections of Dodd-Frank that would grant her that authority to “break up banks that pose a grave threat to financial stability.”

WELL, IT TURNS OUT all this is actually relevant as a new study mandated by Dodd-Frank finds that most of our biggest banks would again require massive bailouts if they failed, making them the world’s biggest “too big to fail” institutions since the Duggar Family, or "One Direction" before Zayn left.

BESIDES PERSONAL MENTAL HEALTH DAYS, few things still unite America like exuberantly despising “Affluenza” teen Ethan Couch, the rich youth sentenced to four consecutive 180-day terms in jail for violating probation on Wednesday.

THE 19-YEAR-OLD received rehabilitation instead of jail time after killing four people in a drunk-driving accident because he convinced an actual judge that his judgment had been wounded by misfortune of being raised in a wealthy household where his every need was coddled.

THE CONDITION WAS LABELED “Affluenza” by a psychologist hired by Couch’s lawyers, though previously it had been known as “being George W. Bush.”

• Donald Trump Gets Called Out by the Actual Estate of Albert Einstein
• John Kasich Knows Who Kids Tell Their Deep, Dark Secrets To
• QUIZ: You’re Donald Trump. Can You Remember Which Evangelical Preacher You’re Supposed To Like Today?

NO, THERE DOESN’T SEEM TO BE A LAW THAT LIMITS KISSES IN IOWA TO 5 MINUTES, but it sounds like something some jerk made up during the commercial break of a football game.

SHAWTANK REDEMPTION—An octopus in New Zealand slipped out of an aquarium this week, crawled across the floor and escaped down a pipe into the ocean, where he immediately sold his story to Pixar.

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