Happy Monday. On this day in 1939, the first food stamps were issued to Americans who were too lazy to have been born into money.

ACCORDING TO A NEW REPORT, Donald Trump regularly used his power as an employer and beauty pageant owner/creep to get women out of their clothes. The exposé suggests there was just one reliable tactic for avoiding his advances – turning forty.

EVEN BEFORE THIS EXPOSÉ was published, the self-alleged billionaire already had a 73% unfavorable rate with women, although that could just represent the portion of the female population he has hit on.

MEANWHILE, TRUMP SAYS he'll continue his outreach to women by focusing on Bill Clinton’s treatment of them. Trump is probably stunned that the ex-president selected Ruth Bader Ginsburg without even insisting on a bathing suit competition.

MITT ROMNEY, determined to prove he’s as out of touch in 2016 as he was in 2012, is recruiting a conservative challenger to allure people who have literally spent the past five months voting en masse for Donald Trump.

ROMNEY'S PREFERRED CANDIDATES include Sen. Ben Sasse (R-NE) and Ohio governor John Kasich, who is warmed up from primary season and should be able to lose again with almost no preparation.

SURE, IT'S A LONG SHOT, but remember that Romney can walk into the men’s grill of any country club and deliver at least 4 votes from blazer-wearing conservatives named Ross, Thad, Tucker, and well, Mitt.

REMEMBER GLENN BECK? No, not the guy who said Mitt Romney would win 325 electoral votes. That was Dick Morris, a different guy who was also asked to leave Fox News.

IT SEEMS OL' GLENN heard about Facebook allegedly filtering conservative content out of its “Trending” feature – and he’s madder than a Fox News executive reviewing Nielsen ratings for the old Glenn Beck Show.

SO BECK IS NOW SCHEDULED to meet with Mark Zuckerberg on Wednesday to get included in Trending posts, become relevant again, and ideally get back on cable. (If none of that works, he’ll probably spend the rest of the meeting trying to sell Zuckerberg some precious metals.)

• The Awesome Signs That Have Been Popping Up in North Carolina
• EXCLUSIVE: Donald Trump’s Racist Ex-Butler May Have Screwed Up Again!
• Has Anyone Seen Ted Cruz and Tre Cool From Green Day in the Same Room?

NO, ACTIVISTS AREN’T PUTTING RED LIGHTS ON THEIR HOMES TO SHOW THEY’RE ANTI-GUN. They do it because leaving up half of your Christmas lights is a good way to say there’s nothing inside worth stealing.

PUBLIC EYES—Sony has applied for a patent for contact lenses that will take pictures, record videos... and destroy any chance of you getting out of your teens without starring in a sex tape.

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