Happy Thursday. On this day in 2004, model Ali Landry divorced Mario Lopez for infidelity after only two weeks of marriage, ending Lopez's longest acting gig since Saved by the Bell was cancelled.

DONALD TRUMP CORRECTED REPORTS on Wednesday that he won't release his tax returns until after the election, by saying he'd release them after an audit, which will very likely finish after the election.

ALL MAJOR PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEES for generations have at least released a summary of their filings. Mitt Romney called Trump's decision "disqualifying," noting that even rich serial tax avoiders like Mitt Romney have previously released their taxes.

REPORTERS ARE MOST EAGER to see Trump's returns in order to find out if he's now declaring Chris Christie as a dependent.

THE WASHINGTON ESTABLISHMENT may not take Bernie Sanders seriously, but the classiest arbiter of quality in America clearly does.

SPRAY-TANNED INHERITOR of wealth Donald J. Trump legitimized Sanders Wednesday with the highest possible Trump honor: A petty nickname on Twitter.

TRUMP PICKED the name “Crazy Bernie” Sanders for the Vermonter – joining other gems like “Lyin’ Ted” Cruz, “Crooked Hillary” Clinton, and “God I Secretly Want Megyn” Kelly.

DISGRACED FORMER CONGRESSMAN Anthony Weiner, whose private parts may be viewed across the internet, has now exposed more of himself to a documentary crew as though they were anonymous Twitter users.

WEINER, WHO RESIGNED from Congress in a pretty hilarious sexting scandal, is the subject of a new film Weiner, titled after his namesake organ.

REPORTERS HAVE REACHED OUT to Weiner for comment, under the assumption that his wife still allows him to have a smartphone.

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NO, A PRO-LIFE GROUP HAS NOT DECLARED THAT EVERY SPERM IS SACRED. Though that would be a decent name for Mike Huckabee's next album.

ALL HANDS ON DECK—Men should ejaculate more to avoid prostate cancer, according to a new study from the journal European Urology, also known as What Are You Doing in the Bathroom So Long, Ryan?

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