Happy Monday. On this day in 2005, the Supreme Court ruled that you can prosecute a sick person for smoking medical marijuana... because in the middle of losing two wars, we had nothing better to do.

DONALD TRUMP spent the weekend reminding everyone that he’s really serious about attacking a judge born in Indiana as “Mexican” because the judge has “Mexican heritage” – as only 34.6 million Americans and 7 actual U.S. states do.

IN FRONT OF ANY CAMERA with soft lighting he could find, he said the ancestry of Judge Gonzalo Curiel, who's presiding over a case against Trump University, represented a “conflict of interest” because Latinos obviously hate Trump even though he once proudly enjoyed a taco bowl.

TRUMP ONCE SAID about Mexicans who come to America, “They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists.” Sadly, he was unable to identify the real danger: that some of their descendants will become judges.

GOP SENATE LEADER Mitch McConnell has a message for presidential candidate Donald Trump: You may be our nominee, but don’t you dare embarrass us by hijacking our platform of perpetual war, oil handouts and gay shaming.

“I TOLD DONALD TRUMP… that he wasn't going to change what we think Republicans are,” said McConnell, presumably before phoning gun and coal lobbyists for guidance on what Republicans are.

MCCONNELL URGED TRUMP to downplay talk of boycotting China and expanding Social Security – and just get back to the good stuff like using veterans as political props.

AS LEFT-WING ACTIVISTS assail DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz's handling of the presidential primary process, President Obama has stepped in to remind them that regardless of what you may think of the DNC chair, he does owe her a political favor.

"SHE'S HAD MY BACK, I want to make sure we have her back," said the president, sounding like Don Corleone if Don Corleone was a law school professor who ate arugula and wore mom jeans.

WASSERMAN SCHULTZ'S CRITICS argue that she is a political hack who simply obeys the orders of lobbyists and the party establishment – which could spell trouble if these same people learn the names of the other 534 members of Congress.

WHILE THE WORLD MOURNED Muhammad Ali this weekend, Piers Morgan used social media to compare the activist to Donald Trump – continuing Morgan's practice of attacking black figures, so people remember him for something other than his actual work.

CONTINUING HIS THOUGHTFUL EULOGY, the failed primetime host-turned-failed journalist concluded by tweeting, “I hope people don't make me sound too perfect when I die. No coats of sugar please.” Oh, Piers. Trust that many will be waiting patiently, mud in hands.

NO, HILLARY CLINTON DIDN’T PAY AN ACTOR TO PLAY A NAVY VET AND WALK WITH HER IN A MEMORIAL DAY PARADE. He’s a real vet and he did it because he heard what she did to Vince Foster and he’s terrified.

BREAKING AND ENTERING—A man called the "Booty Tickler" has been arrested for breaking into Dallas area homes just to tickle people’s anuses... which seems like a fair reason to call him the “Booty Tickler.”

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