Happy Thursday. Today is "Satisfied Staying Single Day," also known as "Hallmark Is Going to Monetize You Somehow, Motherf*cker Day."

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CHRIS CHRISTIE AND CARLY FIORINA revealed on Wednesday that they'll leave the presidential race to spend more time praying that the eventual GOP nominee picks one of them as their running mate and chief Hillary hater.

"TODAY, I LEAVE THE RACE without an ounce of regret," Christie wrote on Facebook, exhibiting the relentless self-praise and obliviousness that has marked his campaign, which he launched as he’s still mired in a criminal investigation of his staff possibly closing several lanes of a bridge for days as political retribution.

FIORINA ALSO LOST A VOTE when she was fired from Hewlett Packard after her decision to move the printer maker into the extremely unlucrative PC hardware business led to 30,000 layoffs and nearly destroyed the company. The company gave her as much as $42 million to leave.

SO REPUBLICANS ARE GETTING OFF EASY.

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BERNIE SANDERS — who, as any Sanders supporter will tell you immediately and repeatedly, marched with Martin Luther King in 1963’s March on Washington — is trying shore up his support in the black community by meeting with Al Sharpton, which follows Wednesday's backing if not quite support of writer Ta-Nehisi Coates, who had criticized the Senator for not backing reparations.

CLINTON, ON THE OTHER HAND, has the backing of much of the civil rights community, including the legendary John Lewis, the only living speaker from the March on Washington.

MEANWHILE, AS DEMOCRATS BATTLE FOR BLACK VOTES, Republicans are battling to make sure there are fewer black votes, quite effectively.

NEW HAMPSHIRE'S NEW USELESS VOTER ID LAW, which fights the imaginary problem of voter impersonation, increased wait times at the polls, and North Carolina’s law sent 94-year-old Rosanell Eaton on a journey of 200 miles to collect all the documents she needed just to get her ballot.

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THERE WILL BE A NEW HARRY POTTER BOOK and it sounds kind of depressing!

HARRY POTTER AND THE CURSED CHILD - PARTS I & II  “sees Harry as a father and an overworked Ministry of Magic employee,” the BBC reports.

MIGHT IT BUM OUT YOUNG READERS to see the boy who lived – and became the savior of wizardry and the hero of the Battle of Hogwarts – turn into a bureaucratic bore?

WELL, THAT'S HOW LIFE GOES DOWN, KIDS. Even if you aren’t a Muggle.

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REMEMBER WHEN people were demanding more Democratic debates?

GREAT JOB! There’s another one tonight at 9 PM.

POLLING THAT TOOK PLACE before Bernie’s blowout shows that the terrain ahead is much more favorable for Clinton.

SANDERS HAS PROVEN HE CAN WIN BIG in a state dominated by white voters. That means he’d have a good chance to win an Oscar but will have a much harder time picking up the nomination unless he can expand his appeal to people who don’t use “patchouli” as a verb.

NO, GUACAMOLE DOES NOT LITERALLY TRANSLATE TO “TESTICLE SAUCE.” But it’s close enough so we’re not going to take this one away from you.

MARSUPIAL FOR THE SOUL—Charlie, the therapy kangaroo, cheers up veterans, the infirmed and their families with his adorable appearance, his loving hugs and his sexy Australian accent.