Happy Friday. On this day in 1808, Jefferson Davis was born. He would go on to become the only president of the Confederate States of America, which was like the United States of America but for people willing to die to perpetuate chattel slavery.

HILLARY CLINTON laid into Donald Trump in a San Diego speech Thursday, arguing that when it comes to international relations, being a former Secretary of State is a better qualification than suing property managers in Central America.

CLINTON ALSO ARGUED that Trump is "dangerously incoherent," which in fairness, seems unlikely considering the tweeting tycoon has boasted he has “the best words.”

THE SPEECH CAME on a day when Trump himself said his administration would have Clinton jailed – a statement probably designed to endear himself to top allies Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un, by taking a few political prisoners.

FOR ALL THE TALK of top Republicans potentially distancing themselves from Donald Trump over things like racism and fraud, party leaders are maturely putting their differences aside and prioritizing bedrock principles like being nice to a rich guy.

THE LIKELY GOP NOMINEE won the endorsement on Thursday of House Speaker Paul Ryan, who was presumably won over by Trump University's promises to make him rich.

BY DELAYING his endorsement for the last few months, experts said Paul Ryan was trying to obtain important concessions from the businessman, like helping him find a last name.

RICK PERRY, who was so thoroughly rejected by voters that they even let George Pataki stay in the primary race longer than him, has re-emerged to remind America why he should never be president.

"DONALD TRUMP will peel [Hillary Clinton’s] skin off in a debate setting and actually he'll peel it off this evening, out in San Jose as well," Perry told Fox News’ Neil Cavuto in between commercials for gold and adult diapers.

THE NOTION OF A MAN whose epidermis is 70% spray-tan peeling off someone else’s skin is certainly ironic, but good luck explaining irony to a man who got a “D” in English at Texas A&M.

A MIDDLE SCHOOL TEACHER was placed on administrative leave after distributing a questionable math quiz that referenced pimps, ho's, and AK-47s. While these students didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life apparently chose their teacher.

ALTHOUGH THE MOBILE, ALABAMA SCHOOL says it reviews its lesson plans, officials have yet to reveal whether the widely circulated exam was approved by the administration or just the teacher.

EITHER WAY, while the quiz apparently tried to test students' street skills, it looks like it forgot to cover the lesson on snitching.

NO, PENGUINS DO NOT SEARCH FOR THE PERFECT ROCK TO PRESENT IT TO THEIR PROSPECTIVE MATE. Only humans fall for diamond-industry PR BS.

DREAD PUDDING—A British couple found a pile of whale vomit that’s worth over $70,000. That’s how bad British cooking is.

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Ziwe Fumudoh
Elias Isquith
Dylan Ris
Jason Sattler
Hannah Vazquez
Blake Zeff