Daily Newsletter April 8, 2016
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Happy Friday. On this day in 1973, Pablo Picasso passed away and began to dissolve into something resembling what we now call a Picasso. |
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Dems Honor Trump in New York by Lying, Bragging & Arguing With Black Protesters
GOP FRONTRUNNER DONALD TRUMP has embarked on an effort to behave in recent days, which has left the presidential race with a gaping hole in the field of name-calling, lying, and general childish behavior. Enter the Democrats! HILLARY CLINTON made her case for Trumpiest Democrat in part by exaggerating Bernie Sanders' alliance with the NRA, and her husband clashing with black protesters at a Thursday speech. (Hillary does lack a key weapon in Trump’s arsenal, though – his Twitter account – since, as the FBI has been learning, she can barely use the internet.) FOR HIS PART, SANDERS has also been stretching the truth, making regular appearances as a “Pinocchio” in the Washington Post’s Fact-Checker column – meaning he has been no Boy Scout either, despite what that semi-employed white guy in your Facebook feed posts 7 times per hour. |
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Thrice-Married, Disaster-Milking New York Republican Finds Something to Like About Donald Trump
FORMER NEW YORK MAYOR and forever mascot of George W. Bush’s failed “War” on “Terror” Rudy Giuliani has decided to announce he's voting for Donald Trump in the upcoming New York presidential primary. "I SUPPORT TRUMP. I'm gonna vote for Trump," Giuliani told the New York Post, a right-wing tabloid for people who hate that time travels forward. HOWEVER, THE MAYOR DECLINED to actually endorse Trump, perhaps because his former aide Rick Wilson is awkwardly one of the leaders of the #NeverTrump movement. He’s the guy who called most Trump supporters “childless, single men who masturbate to Anime” – a statement Politifact rated “Mostly Ew.” |
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State Actually Okay With Transgender People Peeing
ANTARCTICA'S ICE SHEET could rapidly melt, raising sea levels by as much as 12 feet and erasing most of the decent real estate on the Eastern Seaboard. But states like North Carolina, Mississippi and now South Carolina are focused on the real threat to our climate – transgender people having to pee. THESE STATES, OF COURSE, passed laws preventing trans people from entering a public bathroom that doesn’t match the gender they were assigned at birth. FINALLY, SOME GOOD NEWS: Pennsylvania signed two anti-discrimination executive orders on Thursday that take the radical stand that you shouldn’t scapegoat America’s most vulnerable minority just to feel better about how badly your fantasy football team did last season. |
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"American Idol" Goes Into Hiding With Rest of Bush Legacy
IT WILL FOREVER REMIND US of an era when people thought “Well, at least George W. Bush hasn’t completely destroyed the economy yet” and “Maybe Crash was a good movie” – but American Idol is now gone. IDOL, WHICH DEBUTED IN 2002, produced some household names, including Kelly Clarkson, Justin Guarini’s hair, Carrie Underwood and Jennifer Hudson. And approximately 156 other people who remind you of Kelly Clarkson, Justin Guarini’s hair, Carrie Underwood and Jennifer Hudson. SEASON ONE HOST Brian Dunkleman, who many Americans assumed had joined the Taliban in early 2003, showed up for the final episode to hug Ryan Seacrest – the host who defeated him and stole his life. |
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NO, A NEWLY DISCOVERED PLANET ISN’T GOING TO DESTROY EARTH THIS MONTH. So you’ll have to think of some other reason not to pay your cable bill. |
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EXTRACURRICULAR PROCLIVITIES—A teacher in Utah defended her sexual relationship with a student by explaining that his grades improved, which is like a firefighter committing arson because someone didn’t test his smoke alarms. |
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