Happy Thursday. On this day in 1731, Martha Washington was born. She would become the first First Lady of the United States. Before her, we had no ladies.

FOR THE SECOND STRAIGHT DAY, Donald Trump enjoyed a scandal that would have ended a normal candidacy, possibly in an arrest or waterboarding.

AFTER EXPLODING at the press because it expected him to fulfill promises he made to veterans he’d used as political props, Wednesday saw the release of testimony from former Trump University employees – including one who called the for-profit venture “a fraudulent scheme” that “preyed upon the elderly and uneducated.”

“STUDENTS” OF THE SCHOOL were reportedly encouraged to max out their credit cards and open new ones to purchase real estate courses – because Trump is the “best” at everything... including tricking people into going into huge debt to learn things they can just Google.

PRESIDENT OBAMA has refrained from endorsing a successor during primary season, but with the final contests just days away, he’s like a kid on Christmas morning who can’t wait to sneak downstairs and start unloading on Donald Trump.

IN INDIANA WEDNESDAY, Obama dismissed Trump's "provocative" tweets and argued “the primary story that Republicans have been telling about the economy is not supported by the facts” – the gentleman’s response to “maybe [his birth certificate] says he’s a Muslim.”

OBAMA WILL BE the first president since Reagan to directly campaign for his successor, as Bill Clinton and George W. Bush were personae non grata for tawdry sex and global destruction, respectively.

TALK RADIO BLOWHARD Rush Limbaugh has questioned evolution so much over the years, you’d think he wrote biology textbooks for the state of Texas.

NOW HE HAS A NEW REASON to doubt the fundamental principle of biology: If evolution is real, Rush asked on his Tuesday show, how come Harambe, the recently-slain gorilla in the Cincinnati zoo, did not morph into a human after being shot?

IN FACT there are far more compelling reasons to doubt evolution, such as the fact that 200,000 years after the first humans appeared on earth, The Rush Limbaugh Show remains the top-rated radio program on record.

E! HAS ANNOUNCED the launch of "Rob & Chyna," a new docu-series that will follow the highly publicized romance of Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna. Finally, anyone without internet access or sight can appreciate the fresh drama as it unfolded nine months ago in the tabloids.

THE SERIES WILL CULMINATE in a special episode celebrating the birth of their first child, known as the last heir to the Kardashian empire to sad people who’ve been paying attention.

THE SERIES IS SET to be executive produced by Rob and Chyna, hoping to channel the success of Khloe and Lamar... the series, definitely not the marriage.

NO, A DOCTOR DID NOT FIND A BOY’S MISSING HAMSTER IN THE FOLDS OF HIS MOTHER’S BACK FAT. But congratulations, whoever got someone to fact check a “your mom’s so fat” joke.

STUDENT REUNION—A newborn baby who was abandoned in a shoebox in a San Francisco State University dorm laundry room in 1984 has just graduated from the same school in 2016 — proof that if you work hard enough, you can end up exactly where you started.

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Blake Zeff - @blakezeff
Elias Isquith - @eliasisquith