Daily Newsletter April 28, 2016

Happy Thursday. On this day in 2000, Jay Leno received a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame, putting him in rarified company with The Rugrats and John Tesh.

Cruz & Fiorina Say They’ll Run Together, But They’re Both Liars So Who Can Be Sure

TED CRUZ has a credibility problem with voters: They don’t believe he’s honest, as polls and Donald Trump’s Twitter feed both indicate. So his challenge was to find a running mate who makes him look trustworthy by comparison – like when Soulja Boy came along, and suddenly Wiz Khalifa didn’t seem like such a terrible rapper.

WELL, TED HAS FINALLY FOUND that person: Carly “We Need To Harvest Its Brain” Fiorina, who said 92 percent of job losses under Obama have fallen on women, and whose statements Politifact rated 28% to be fully or mostly true. Those are “Glenn Beck selling gold” numbers!

IF THIS IMAGE of a lying, inept, unspeakably creepy presidential pairing strikes fear in your heart, just remember: Cruz has no shot at winning. Save your panic for when Donald Trump chooses his running mate via a Twitter contest.

Trump Impresses With Serious Speech Containing No John Kasich Pancake-Eating References

DONALD TRUMP OUTLINED his international philosophy for an audience of reporters, scholars, and paid staff on Wednesday, in a “serious presidential” moment (read: no critiques of other candidates' eating styles).

TRUMP CALLED FOR a “disciplined, deliberate, and consistent” foreign policy, before changing his mind halfway through the speech and saying America’s foreign policy should “be more unpredictable.” Maybe not Kim Jong Un unpredictable; just Donald J. Trump on Twitter at 3 a.m. unpredictable.

THE NATION NOW STAYS TUNED for the rollout of Trump’s domestic policy, most likely arriving at 3 a.m. in a series of "serious presidential" tweets cc’d to Rosie O’Donnell.

Former House Speaker to Become Speaker of the Big House

SANCTIMONIOUS GOP LAWMAKER J. Dennis Hastert was sentenced to 15 months in prison Wednesday, officially for bank fraud – but unofficially for being a serial child molester, a grandstanding hypocrite, and an archetypal villain from a Friday night movie on Lifetime.

WAS 15 MONTHS AN APPROPRIATE SENTENCE for such crimes, or should it have been longer? To find out, let’s consult with a former member of Congress. How about we ask – and this is just randomly drawing a name out of a hat – former House Speaker J. Dennis Hastert (R-IL) himself.

HERE'S WHAT J. DENNIS had to say about child molesters back in 2003 when he was still Speaker: "It is important to... put repeat child molesters into jail for the rest of their lives." Wow. Good thing yesterday’s 74-year-old defendant wasn’t sentenced by that moralizing gasbag from Illinois!

Donald Trump Explains Foreign Policy in a Way His Fans Will Understand

NO YOU CAN'T COPYRIGHT A PIECE OF WORK SIMPLY BY MAILING IT TO YOURSELF. If that worked, Robin Thicke would have simply mailed himself the entire Marvin Gaye catalogue and gone back to his cocaine dinner.

BUZZ OFF—House Republican leaders have rejected a Zika emergency bill, reasoning that even though a Zika infestation could wipe out Miami, that would probably make Florida a red state again.

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