Daily Newsletter May 9, 2016

Happy Monday. On this day in 1949, Billy Joel was born – becoming the first of many babies whose faces people would say looked like Billy Joel.

Trump Says He'll Raise Taxes on Rich, Finding New Way to Punish Jeb

GOP FRONTRUNNER DONALD TRUMP appeared on Meet the Press Sunday to announce he’s ready to move forward with a plan to raise taxes on the rich – finding an ingenious way to make rivals Jeb Bush and Mitt Romney cry.

“WEALTHY ARE WILLING to pay more. We've had a very good run,” the tweeting tycoon declared, referring to a group that includes Romney, Bush, and Bush’s parents – all of whom have staunchly opposed Trump’s presidential campaign.

LOOK FOR TRUMP to next enact revenge on second-tier haters Bobby Jindal and Ted Cruz by announcing a tax on cowboy boots worn over dress pants.

Quitting Expert Sarah Palin Accuses Paul Ryan of Abandoning His District

ALL THAT'S MISSING from the GOP Civil War are the cool uniforms and one side that thinks the South was wrong.

ON SUNDAY, SARAH PALIN said House Speaker Paul Ryan had “abandoned the district he was to represent.” She's furious that Ryan has refused to back Trump just because he's racist, xenophobic and threatening to destroy a House majority that cost Ryan’s donors a few billion dollars to build.

PALIN BASICALLY THINKS Ryan should do the dignified thing and quit, as she did after realizing someone would pay her to put her name on books she didn’t have to write or read.

Radiohead Debuts New Sound, Forcing Coldplay to Rebuild Imitation from Scratch

BRITISH ROCK ICONS RADIOHEAD released their 9th studio record on Sunday only days after announcing its existence, titling it A Moon Shaped Pool, aka “Lemonade for Mostly White Grad Students.”

THE RECORD, released worldwide, has been priced at $13 for those who don’t want to wait for the illegal download.

AN ADVANCE SINGLE, Daydreaming,” reunites guitarist Jonny Greenwood with director P.T. Anderson on a music video that recalls their last collaboration Inherent Vice – insofar as both look expensive and contain no plot.

The X-Files Uncovers the Truth About Ted Cruz's Dad

NO, APPLE IS NOT DELETING MUSIC FROM PEOPLE’S COMPUTERS ON PURPOSE. If your old Nickelback downloads are missing, it may just be an act of God.

SELFIE STUCK—A teenager trying to take a selfie accidentally knocked down a statue of a 16th century Portuguese king. Tragically, the masterpiece was ruined... and so was the statue.

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