Happy Tuesday. On this day in 1279 BC, Rameses the Great became the Pharaoh of Egypt, thanks mostly to superdelegates.

BILL KRISTOL – the conservative pundit who was the biggest cheerleader for the Iraq War and Sarah Palin – has an even newer plot to destroy his beloved Republican Party.

“THERE WILL BE AN INDEPENDENT CANDIDATE–an impressive one, with a strong team and a real chance,” Kristol tweeted over the weekend, sparking speculation he's recruited Mitt Romney, Condoleezza Rice or a Frankenstein’s monster of Ronald Reagan’s three surviving children.

KRISTOL PROMISED to announce his alternative to Donald Trump on Thursday morning, predictably enraging the GOP nominee – but based on Kristol's track record, he’s probably just pushing a war he has no chance of winning.

THE CINCINNATI ZOO closed its gorilla exhibit Saturday after a boy fell through a public barrier and was dragged for several minutes by a gorilla apparently determined to give the boy more careful attention than he got from his parents.

ZOO OFFICIALS CALLED IN a special response team to shoot and kill Harambe, the 17-year-old endangered gorilla, saying the boy was in "a life-threatening situation." No word on whether anyone warned Harambe that zoos themselves were "life threatening situations."

IN THE END, THOUGH, it’s fair to say Harambe lived a full life. He was able to fulfill a seemingly vital goal of endangered animal exhibits – entertaining tourists.

THE LIBERTARIAN PARTY chose former Republican governor Gary Johnson as its nominee for president this weekend – presumably after runner-up Austin Petersen showed his true colors by obeying a traffic light.

JOHNSON CAMPAIGNED on a platform of military disengagement, limited government, and legal pot – or, as his younger supporters hear it: “blah blah blah legal pot.”

THE NBA CONCLUDED its run of 220 preseason games, 1230 regular season games, and three rounds of the playoffs on Monday night to bring you… the same two finalists from last year, as preordained since last July.

THE NBA HAS LONG BEEN ACCUSED of rigging games and drafts like a Donald Trump WWE match. This includes prematurely announcing on Facebook last week that Golden State would make the Finals when – at least in the public record – they were losing their series to Oklahoma City.

ON THURSDAY, 1450 games later, the preordained Finals begin between Cleveland and Golden State. In TV terms, this is like the CSI team needing 1450 lead-up episodes to determine that the victim was viciously assaulted and they will need to use flashlights.

• The Best Explanation We Can Come Up With for Trump Ducking Bernie
• For Those Who Wish the U.S. Was a Little More Like North Korea
• The GOP's Sensible Stance on Compromise

NO, OPRAH HAS NOT ENDORSED DONALD TRUMP. But much of Dr. Phil's therapy training does appear to come from Trump University.

THE DOCTOR WILL SEE YOU NOW—Some health providers who received bad Yelp reviews have reportedly responded by posting patients’ personal information online, proving the old adage that you shouldn’t go to war with anyone who has examined your genitals.

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