Happy Friday. On this day in 1945, Hitler wed Eva Braun, a marriage so beautiful it fell short of the 55 hour mark later set by Britney Spears and friend Jason Alexander.

RUSSIAN PRESIDENT VLADIMIR PUTIN likes Barack Obama about as much as he does a Chechen rebel with immunity to polonium. After all, what kind of world leader bans torture, makes a mere six-figure salary, and steps down when his country’s constitution tells him to?

FORTUNATELY THERE IS AN AMERICAN – full of ambition, intensity, and money – that Putin truly does like: Rupert Murdoch’s ex-wife. Yep, they’re dating, and woe unto those who let a mental image of that enter their mind.

AND NOW, IT TURNS OUT there’s one other American Putin likes: Donald J. Trump. While analysts have described Trump’s foreign policy as brash, incoherent, and juvenile, sources close to the Russian strongman have called it “pragmatic” and “positive,” a compliment Putin normally reserves for well placed members of the Assad family.

JEB BUSH, who has spent the past several months in irrelevance in his Miami home, has emerged with a plan to continue being irrelevant – only now in full public view.

SPEAKING IN AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW with CNN – not that any other network was competing for him – Bush called on his fellow Republicans to contest Donald Trump’s nomination at this summer’s convention, a strategy that seems as doomed as a low-energy politician’s son trying to bumble his way to the presidency.

A YEAR AGO, Trump was still an NBC employee and Bush was touring the country, lapping up the largesse of the oil industry like an SUV at the gas pump. But then came Bush’s blunders and Trump’s seizure of the Republican party base with two simple, inspiring words: Mexican rapists.

THE NFL KICKED OFF its annual draft last night as hundreds of able-bodied college students offered themselves up to sustain multiple years of head trauma in the service of billionaires who control their employment rights.

THE BILLIONAIRES are a diverse lot, with fortunes built from sources ranging from the oil industry to the oil and gas industry. All seek fresh young bodies to hurl themselves at one another for purposes of financial enrichment.

THE FIRST FUTURE HEAD TRAUMA VICTIM DRAFTED was Jared Goff from the University of California - Berkeley. He was selected by the newly relocated Los Angeles Rams, which will be convenient if he ever gets injured, becomes addicted to painkillers, and ends up on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.

• A Tattoo for the Man Who Has Everything
• Proof That Every Presidential Portrait From This Point Forward Should Be a Rap Squat
• Look What You’ve Done to the Family Circus Kids, Trump

NO, MICROWAVING FOOD IN PLASTIC CONTAINERS DOESN'T CAUSE CANCER. However, that doesn’t mean someone eating Hungry-Man® frozen dinners shouldn’t be concerned about his life.

DEMENTED—Will Ferrell has been cast as Ronald Reagan in a new film about the ex-president, angering orthodox Republicans who don’t believe The Prophet should be depicted in art.

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