Happy Monday. On this day in 1732, George Washington was born and would go on to make history as the first white male president.

(Credit: Getty Images)

AFTER DECLINING TO ENTER this year's presidential campaign, you may remember Mitt Romney as the only man who was ever scared off by Jeb Bush – but he’s also the closest thing Republicans have to a party leader.

NOW HIS JOB IS TO GET THE PARTY to circle around a comically handsome candidate who has been accused of being a robot, and is running away from the closest thing he has to a great accomplishment.

NO, NOT MITT ROMNEY. Marco Rubio!

AFTER DONALD TRUMP'S BIG WIN in South Carolina this weekend, Romney was reportedly on the verge of endorsing Rubio.

BUT RUBIO'S BEST HOPE RIGHT NOW is for Mitt to do some serious damage to Trump’s conservative credentials. The best way to do that? Maybe Mitt should actually endorse Trump instead.

(Credit: Getty Images)

AFTER HILLARY CLINTON'S WIN in Nevada this weekend, it’s clear we have a classic Democratic presidential primary – children against the parents.

BERNIE SANDERS IS ENJOYING near record support of liberals under 40, while Clinton dominates with older people who fear they will only get one Clinton presidency in their lifetime.

WHICH EXPLAINS WHY CLINTON'S NEW STRATEGY is all about women over 45 – a.k.a, the people least likely to vote for Donald Trump or stay married to him.

(Credit: US Magazine)

THE POP STAR KESHA broke into tears last week when she found out that a State Supreme Court Judge of New York would not release her from her contract with Sony Records producer Dr. Luke, whom she accused of rape along with physical and mental abuse.

DESPITE THE OCCASIONAL IGNORANT CLAIM that there are lots of fake accusations of sexual assault, such false charges are actually less common than false accusations of car theft.

WHAT'S EXTREMELY RARE IN THIS COUNTRY is for a rapist ever to serve a day in jail. Only 3 of 100 rapists will ever be punished for their crime. If you want more immunity than that you better work on Wall St.

NO, PRESIDENT OBAMA DIDN'T MISS ANTONIN SCALIA'S FUNERAL TO PLAY GOLF. Which is a relief, because golf is explicitly permitted according to an originalist interpretation of the Constitution.

I LIKE IT BLACK, LIKE MY LIVER—Drinking coffee may undo damage caused to your liver by all the alcohol you drink in order to come down from all that coffee, thus proving that there truly is a circle of life.