Happy Wednesday. On this day in 1812, President James Madison asked Congress to declare war on England while there was still time to call it the War of 1812.

ANTI-TRUMP CONSERVATIVES have long argued that any conservative would be a better president than Donald, the Kim Jong-Un of the Trump family. And now we know they literally meant anyone.

RIGHT-WING PUNDIT Bill Kristol's third-party candidate was introduced to the world on Tuesday night – and lawyer David French isn’t even the more famous writer at the barely-read conservative magazine National Review.

BUT HAVE NO FEAR: French possesses the values that conservatives feel make their movement great: a fear of transgender people, a fear his wife would have “meaningful conversations” with other men while he was in Iraq... and a fear that Donald Trump would somehow get into the White House and do for the GOP what he did for his first two marriages.

DONALD TRUMP has received the endorsement of a mercurial glutton who famously imbibes in Pyongyang hedonism while North Koreans starve: Dennis Rodman.

BUT NOW he’s also received the support of Rodman’s BFF, Kim Jong Un. Kim’s state-run newspaper endorsed Trump, calling him a “wise politician” while branding Hillary Clinton “dull Hillary” – implying she’s far too boring to execute her nation’s generals.

SUCH PRAISE FOR TRUMP is rare and normally only heard from the mouths of Rodman, David Duke, Vladimir Putin, and of course Trump himself – using an alias from a payphone outside Trump Tower.

HILLARY CLINTON, who has already locked in endorsements from California’s top-tier Democrats George Clooney and Matt Damon, has added a nod from the state’s B-team: its governor.

JERRY BROWN endorsed the former Secretary of State on Tuesday, setting aside a 24-year feud with Bill Clinton on the grounds that if Hillary could forgive Bill for all he’s done in the past 24 years, so could he.

BROWN'S HISTORY includes dating singer Linda Ronstadt, commissioning a semi-abstract official portrait, and talking a lot about “Spaceship Earth.” This has earned him the nickname Governor Moonbeam or, as the Sanders campaign puts it, “The Establishment.”

AFTER A GUEST seemed to advocate violence against Donald Trump, Sirius XM radio suspended Glenn Beck Tuesday, punishing the conservative pundit by forcing him to attack Trump via his various other communication channels instead.

LAST WEEK, author Brad Thor appeared on The Glenn Beck Program and suggested aggressive measures may be needed to stop Trump – a horrible, unacceptable thing to say on a show that threatened violent revolution if the nation couldn't rally behind Dracula's baby (a.k.a., Ted Cruz).  

WHEN THOR SUGGESTED that citizens could have to resort to illegal acts to oust Trump from office, Beck refused to vocally disavow it – a move so deplorable he could have only learned it from watching Trump at one of his campaign rallies.

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NO, BRITISH POLICE AREN’T BANNING ENGLAND FOOTBALL JERSEYS BECAUSE THEY’RE OFFENSIVE TO IMMIGRANTS. Immigrants actually take great pride in explaining how badly their home countries beat England.

THEORY OF SOMETHING—Legendary theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking said he "can’t" explain Donald Trump, whom he called "a demagogue, who seems to appeal to the lowest common denominator." Congratulations, Professor Hawking. You just explained Donald Trump.

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