Happy Tuesday. On this day in 1957, the owner of the Brooklyn Dodgers agreed to move the team to Los Angeles in an effort to never eat another decent bagel again.

INDIANA REPUBLICANS head to the polls Tuesday to possibly do what the Confederacy, Watergate, disco, the financial crisis and several failed Sarah Palin reality shows couldn’t – inflict irreparable damage on the Republican Party, this time by sealing the nomination of Donald Trump.

TRUMP HAS TAKEN commanding leads in both Indiana and California, the two primaries where blowouts would guarantee he’ll be the GOP nominee.

IF HE DOES HAVE A BIG NIGHT TONIGHT, Trump can thank one very crucial demographic: nearly every old, white coach with an anger management problem in the Midwest.

CARLY FIORINA MAY BE NEW to the Ted Cruz campaign, but she has already keyed into its general trajectory. At an Indiana rally yesterday, Fiorina seemingly used interpretive dance to represent the campaign’s poll numbers – by falling off a stage.

CRUZ'S REACTION? Do nothing at all. Cruz calmly kept shaking supporters’ hands, as his running mate floundered on the ground like Rick Perry in a college-level class.

OF COURSE, THIS ASSUMES that Cruz had no personal role in Fiorina’s tumble. Just to be certain, someone should research to see if any of the Zodiac Killer’s victims ever died from a fall.

HILLARY CLINTON REVEALED Monday that if her family returns to the White House, she has a new job in mind for her husband – and it's not one in his current field Accepting Cash From World Dictators.

INSTEAD, THE FORMER PRESIDENT will reportedly be asked to lead a domestic manufacturing renaissance.

THIS WILL PRESUMABLY ENTAIL identifying industries that have been outsourced to non-union sweatshops in Southeast Asia, and then coaxing them back to non-union sweatshops in Southeast America.

DEPRESSING NEWS for anyone who thought the secret to weight loss was appearing on a modestly rated NBC reality show. It seems the majority of sampled contestants from The Biggest Loser have actually gained weight in the long run.

IT'S A HARD-TO-EXPLAIN PHENOMENON – sort of like Michele Bachmann spending eight years in the House, only to retire somehow knowing even less about government than before.

SCIENTIFIC STUDIES SUGGEST that no matter how much the show’s contestants tried to alter their diet and exercise routines, their natural metabolism kept them anywhere from fat to obese. Unfortunately, while there are other proposed ways to lose weight, such as eating at Subway every day... that can apparently lead to time in prison.

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NO, INDIANA GOVERNOR MIKE PENCE DID NOT SIGN A LAW BANNING BOYS FROM WEARING “GAY” COLORS. Besides, as soon as a color realizes it’s gay, it dreams of leaving Indiana anyway.

DO NOT PASS—According to a new study, self-driving cars will lead to a lot more sex in traffic – which, when you think about it, will lead to even more traffic in the long term.

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