Happy Thursday. On this day in 1876, Alexander Graham Bell made the first telephone call, which probably went immediately to voicemail.

SEEKING TO SHAKE UP ITS PRIMETIME LINEUP, CNN brought back the popular new program Clinton & Sanders Have a Debate for the second time in four days. (Only this time in Spanish! Sort of.)

THOUGH AIRED BY CNN, the debate was technically hosted by Univision and featured Spanish-language questions designed to include Latinos and openly taunt Ann Coulter.

TO THE DELIGHT OF RATINGS-MINDERS, both candidates let the insults fly.

CLINTON TIED SANDERS to border Minutemen and the Koch Brothers, while Sanders linked Clinton to Henry Kissinger and Goldman Sachs. The allegations were designed to fire up Democratic base voters and make Ted Cruz incredibly jealous.

MARCO RUBIO'S PLAN to become president of the United States was perfect except it didn’t involve Donald Trump and it was a terrible plan.

FIRST THE PLAN WAS SOMETHING THEY CALLED "3-2-1." Roll into third place in Iowa, second in New Hampshire and then first in South Carolina. When he finished in 5th in New Hampshire and second in Nevada, his plan began to look something like 3-5-2-2-Talk About Trump's Private Parts.

NOW IT'S 3-5-2-3-3-4-BECOME A LOBBYIST.

THE GOP'S TRUE BELIEVERS now think Ted Cruz is their only hope for stopping Trump, which is like hoping to cure your bad breath by gargling gasoline.

REPUBLICANS MEET FOR THE PENULTIMATE DEBATE of the primary Thursday night in Miami on CNN and if you've watched all twelve so far that may explain why you’re suddenly checking every room you enter for ISIS, potable water and emergency exits.

TED CRUZ ENTERS THE CONTEST riding high on his recent endorsement from former rival and fellow Disney villain Carly Fiorina.

“TED CRUZ IS A FEARLESS FIGHTER for our constitutional rights,” Fiorina said in a statement. “He has spent his life protecting Americans’ God-given liberties, and he has always stood by his word,” she added, implying that you can’t trust GOP frontrunner Donald Trump to truly deport grandmas and take away your health insurance.

TONIGHT'S DEBATE LEAVES TRUMP'S OPPONENTS with their second-to-last chance to do what they haven’t been able to do thus far: Explain why the Republican Party doesn’t deserve to be destroyed by Donald Trump.

• The Real Reason Why We Should Stop Calling Trump "Hitler 2.0"
• "This Is Fine, Everything Is Fine. I Have Everything Under Control" by GOP Chair Reince Priebus
• Donald Trump Finally Puts George Washington in His Place
• Time for Some #GOPMotivation!

NO, THE POLICE ARE NOT SEARCHING FOR HUMAN REMAINS IN CHICKEN MCNUGGETS. But you probably wouldn't find chicken remains in there either.

A RIVER RUNS THROUGH IT—Firefighters in Nova Scotia responding to the first grass fire of the season found a fire extinguisher filled with fish, which sounds like a problem you’d face all the time if you lived in a Pixar cartoon.

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