Happy Thursday. On this day in 1952, the Supreme Court upheld New York's Feinberg Law, which banned Communist teachers, ending misguided efforts to teach American children to share.

MITT ROMNEY still has the timing of a kidney stone.

DONALD TRUMP IS BASICALLY ALREADY THE PARTY'S NOMINEE. The GOP’s best hope is that the party will unite around one of its losers to take the billion-dollar baby down before the winner-take-all primaries start on March 15. And Mitt has decided it’s time for Mitt Romney’s Donald Trump Roast.

“DONALD TRUMP IS A PHONY, A FRAUD,” Romney will reportedly say in a speech today in Utah, the only one of four “home” states that he won in 2012. “His promises are as worthless as a degree from Trump University.”

IN TRUTH, THERE ARE SOME BIG DIFFERENCES between Trump and Romney. Trump claims to be richer. And Romney has actually helped some poor people in his life – by losing in 2012.

IT'S NOT CLEAR IF BEN CARSON dropped out of the GOP presidential primary on Wednesday or was just looking for driving directions.

“I DO NOT SEE A POLITICAL PATH FORWARD in light of last evening’s Super Tuesday primary results,” Carson said in a statement. “However, this grass-roots movement on behalf of ‘We the People’ will continue.”

IN OUR BEN CARSON-TO-ENGLISH PICTIONARY, the translation of this statement seems to be, “You are still sending me money and buying my books for some reason, so I’d like that to continue without having to stay up late for debates.”

QUITTING TWITTER is the new joining Twitter.

AFTER HE MISTAKENLY REFERRED TO HIMSELF as the first openly gay man ever to win an Oscar, singer Sam Smith, who won “Best Original Song” on Sunday night,  got burned on Twitter, the way celebrities generally only do when they make a huge mistake – like logging into Twitter.

TWITTER HAS EXISTED FOR ABOUT EIGHT YEARS and provides a constant source of the affirmation celebrities often crave – along with the hot-breath of immediate access for haters that they tend to spend millions to avoid.

THAT'S WHY CELEBRITIES QUITTING TWITTER is almost as popular as immediately rejoining it. John Mayer quit for three whole years – and then flocked to the site like it was a pop star who’d just broken up with her long-term boyfriend.

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• WATCH: As We Say Goodbye to Ben Carson, Enjoy His Greatest Hitlers!

NO, NEW YORK STATE HAS NOT LEGALIZED HEROIN. And CVS should fire whoever told you that it had.

THE OTHER FRESHMAN 15—Middlebury College is banning energy drinks because they encourage “high-risk sexual activity,” which, come to think of it, is also a reason to ban college.

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