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CAFE's Daily Newsletter February 2, 2016
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Happy Tuesday. On this day in 1887, the first Groundhog Day was held. The first Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow and predicted at least 129 more years of a dopey tradition.

(Credit: Getty Images)

TED CRUZ SCORED A CLEAR VICTORY in the GOP's Iowa caucus Monday night — unless you ask Donald Trump supporters, Marco Rubio's speechwriter or the GOP establishment.

 

TRUMP SUPPORTERS CRIED FOUL because they literally believe that Microsoft offered software to count the votes so they could fix the caucuses on behalf of Rubio. "Clippy" the paperclip was unavailable for comment.

 

AND IN A SIGN THAT THE ANTI-SCIENCE GOP IS NOW ANTI-MATH, Rubio is now being hailed as a “strong third” place finisher while Trump — who beat Rubio by coming in second — has apparently been driven into a resounding shame spiral that has kept him off Twitter for nearly twelve hours.

 

HAVING THE ONE FACE REPORTERS CAN STAND along with all the usual tax-cutting, ground-trooping and science-denying positions would all make Rubio the candidate GOP donors would most like to give a piggyback ride even in a normal year.

 

BUT AS THE LAST HOPE of keeping Cruz or Trump from becoming the face of the Republican Party, he’s suddenly become mini-Cuban Reagan.

(Credit: Getty Images)

EITHER WAY IT WAS HISTORY. The Iowa Democratic caucus had either its first female winner or its first secular Jewish socialist winner who isn’t Jesus.

 

AND IT WAS DEFINITELY THE CLOSEST CAUCUS in the state’s history — so close that if Martin O’Malley had dropped out before votes were cast, his seven delegates out of more than 1,400 would have definitely swung the state and saved history from having to remember who Martin O’Malley is.

 

WITH ALL PRECINCTS NOW IN THIS MORNING, Hillary Clinton tentatively leads with 49.9 percent of the vote to Sanders’ 49.6.


SANDERS DOMINATED with voters looking for someone who “cares about people like you,” is “honest and trustworthy” and “stars in memes about getting high and going to the Olive Garden.”

 

FOR CLINTON, THIS WASN'T THE WORST CASE SCENARIO. That was 2008 when she came in third. But she went on to win in New Hampshire. This time a massive investment in a ground game and the entire weight and force of the Democratic establishment raining down all hell on Bernie Sanders saved her. Barely.

 

SANDERS WILL ALMOST CERTAINLY WIN HANDILY in New Hampshire, and then the question is whether he can begin to crack the frontrunner’s support with non-white voters who remember the 90s fondly... other than all that mass incarceration stuff.

(Credit: Getty Images)

WITH ITS LATEST EARNINGS REPORT, ALPHABET — Google’s cool, new, even more start-up-sounding name — is now the most valuable company in the world, surpassing Apple, which actually makes stuff, mostly in China, but it’s definitely stuff.


GOOGLE IS NOW WORTH $568 BILLION, compared with Apple at $535 billion. You could buy about ten Michael Bloombergs with it or an army of nearly five dozen Donald Trumps. It’s enough to buy everyone on earth two donuts a day for at least a year.


GOOGLE'S REAL WORKFORCE IS...YOU. You search, you email, you post videos. And you look at ads. Tons and tons of ads. We even keep little ad viewing machines in our pockets.


MEANWHILE, GOOGLE'S FORAY INTO MAKING STUFF isn’t so profitable. It turns out that finding a way to make glasses nerdier didn’t fill a huge market niche. It’s spent nearly $4 billion on developing new stuff like self-driving cars and internet-enabled balloons with almost no returns.


BUT THAT'S OKAY, thanks to you letting it monetize nearly everything you do online, the company made almost $5 billion last quarter. Good job, everyone!

(Credit: Getty Images)

BEFORE THE VOTES WERE EVEN COUNTED, the Iowa Caucuses had ended the presidential ambitions of two former governors who despite their enormous charm and good looks never caught fire with voters.

 

MIKE HUCKABEE AND MARTIN O'MALLEY both suspended their campaigns Monday night, leaving America to wonder what’s next for these heartthrobs and their 1-2 percent support in the polls.

 

HUCKABEE GAVE UP HIS FOX NEWS SHOW to blunder through a campaign where even accusing Obama of feeding Jews into the oven wasn’t enough bluster to break through the gale force race-baiting and Islamophobia of the Republican Party.

 

WALKING THE WIRE ALLUSION Martin O’Malley never caught on with voters despite out-liberal-ing both Sanders and Clinton on climate change, immigration and gun control.


BUT HERE'S A MODEST PROPOSAL. O’Malley plays guitar. Huckabee plays the bass.


AMERICAN POLITICS HAS NEVER BEEN MORE DIVIDED. Huckabee and O’Malley could remind us that the one thing white men nearly all have in common is an urge to make other people watch in awe as they pluck on a guitar.

Sarah Palin Confesses Her True Motive for Endorsing Trump

YES, BERNIE SANDERS ONLY PAYS HIS INTERNS $12 AN HOUR, which is only weird because most people thought his staff worked for weed.

SNARK OF THE BEAST—Satanists will perform the opening prayer at the Phoenix City Council on February 17...Satan willing.

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