Relationships - the good, the bad and the ugly....
Relationships - the Good, the Bad and the Ugly....
One of the most profound experiences we can have in our lives is the connection we have with other human beings. Positive and supportive relationships will help us to feel healthier, happier, and more satisfied with our lives.
Relationships make up a huge part of our lives. They are built up or broken down one conversation at a time. Working on relationships takes time, effort and energy. They can be wonderful through to harmful.
- this can be with work colleagues, friends, partners or family...
There are times when relationships at home and work can go very very wrong. This newsletter focuses on the fact that New Zealand has just introduced new legislation to assist those experiencing domestic violence. Following is information regarding domestic violence realities and what to look for and what to do, where to get help and how the workplace can assist you if you are in this situation.
Know The Danger Signs
These are the signs that someone is in danger of being seriously or fatally injured by their partner or family member. These signs are often missed by friends, family and others until it is too late. The signs are either not seen, or dismissed as not serious - yet we know that certain signs mean that a victim is highly likely to be seriously hurt by his or her partner or family member:
- Controlling behaviour
- Intimidation
- Threats to kill
- Strangulation and 'choking'
- Worsening violence – more severe, more frequent
- Intense jealousy or possessiveness
- Stalking
A pattern of controlling behaviour will become obvious over time.
About half the homicides in NZ each year are family violence related.
One woman is killed by her partner or ex-partner every month. About half of those victims will be murdered during or following separation from their partner.
Never assume that a victim is safe because she is planning to leave or has just left a violent relationship. Victims commonly underestimate the danger they are in believing “I can handle it”.
Friends and family who have lost someone in a domestic violence death often noticed a change in the victim’s personality:
- “He/She was different around him”
- “He/She couldn’t make any decisions”
- “He/She became quiet and withdrawn”
*http://areyouok.org.nz/family-violence/the-danger-signs/
New Zealand & Family Violence:
NZ has a high rate of family violence, and as a result Parliament passed two major pieces of new legislation, the Family Violence Act 2018 and the Family Violence (Amendments) Act 2018 - fully taking effect byJuly 2019.
The Purpose of these legal changes are to:
- ensure that the safety of victims, including children, is the priority when courts make decisions on bail. For example, before deciding on a perpetrator’s bail, the court will FIRST consider the effect of the decision on the victim
- create the new serious offence of strangulation or suffocation
- makes it an offence to force someone into marriage or a civil union in New Zealand or overseas
- makes it a specific offence to assault a family member
- makes breaching of a protection order a specific aggravating factor to be considered at sentencing
- introduces a ‘family violence flag’ that can be attached to an offence so that court staff are aware of the potential risks associated with a case.
Improved protection for children and victims
The Amendments Act makes changes to better protect children and victims in parenting arrangements. It:
- empowers judges considering applications under the Care of Children Act (CoCA) to make temporary protection orders where a CoCA order wouldn’t provide enough protection
- empowers judges to impose protective conditions for child handover arrangements if there’s been family violence
- requires judges to consider the existence or breach of a protection order when they assess a child’s safety.
Some Statistics: Domestic violence is a NZ epidemic:
- 1 in 3 NZ women are physically or sexually abused by a partner/ex-partner in their lifetime.
- Rates of intimate partner violence for LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) couples are as high as for heterosexual couples. Every 5 minutes, NZ Police respond to a domestic violence situation.
- Half of all NZ murders are domestic related.
Employers can play a key role helping victims be safe, holding abusers accountable, and speaking out on the issue to help move our society towards a zero tolerance of family violence.
Domestic violence costs employers $368 million annually, due to lost productivity (Kahui, Ku, Snively, 2014). Staff experiencing domestic violence may:
- Be depressed, anxious or distracted.
- Take time off work or leave work altogether.
- Have their ability to work sabotaged.
Co-workers may provide cover, spend work time trying to help, or feel distracted or anxious worrying about their colleague. Abusers on staff may take work time or use work resources to perpetrate abuse.
“Fear, fatigue, and other responses to domestic violence can cause hazardous behaviour by some workers…We encourage the ministry, businesses, and regulators to mitigate the effects of domestic violence on work health and safety.” (from the Health and Safety Act 2015 Commentary)
In more serious cases, staff experiencing domestic violence are at risk of injury and death. Co-workers may also be at risk of violence from an abuser who comes to the victim’s workplace.
Something different:
MY RELATIONSHIPS MAP
A very good start to being proactive about building healthy relationships and connections is to map all the people who are presently in your life.
1. List all the people that you interact with on a regular basis and then arrange them in four categories, based on how close they are to you:
• The circle of Intimacy – These are the people you can’t imagine your life without. They know your private self quite well, you spend a lot of time interacting with them – you usually live with them and you trust them the most.
• The circle of Friendship – These are the people who are also close to you, but there is less intimacy involved. They don’t physically live with you, or support you financially. But you do share your dreams, good news and troubles with them.
• The circle of Participation – Most coworkers, local community, acquaintances and other people that you interact with on a frequent basis (but are not your friends) fall into this category. All the friends you start neglecting can be quickly moved into this circle.
• The circle of Exchange – The last circle contains people with whom you do transactions. They can be your doctors, a hairdresser, barista, maybe even a customer, and so on.
You can use two different colours for business and personal relationships if you like.
2. In the next step, draw an arrow for each person. Indicate if you want to move them more inwards (build a closer relationship) or if you want to create more distance, maybe even cutting them off (if it’s an unhealthy relationship). If you’re happy with how things are, no arrow is needed.
Where to go for help
If you or someone you know suffers from abuse and violence, you have a right to ask for help, and help is available in many places. Below is a list of organisations that you can contact. Services are confidential, and often free.
Safe to talk He pai ki te kōrero
- Safe to talk is available 24 hours, seven days a week by:
- Calling: 0800 044 334 or texting: 4334
- Emailing: support@safetotalk.nz or Live webchat on www.safetotalk.nz
ACC funds support following sexual violence ACC offers fully-funded and immediate support and treatment – including support for your family and whānau. It doesn’t matter if it happened recently or a long time ago, there’s support available when you’re ready.
Free national 24-hour crisis line: 0800 REFUGE or 0800 733 843
The National Collective of Independent Women’s Refuges is an organisation for women and their children that works to help prevent and stop family violence in New Zealand. Advice and help is available on a 24-hour crisis line.
Women’s Refuge can:
- talk to you if you’re worried about your safety in your relationship and help you make a safety plan
- provide a safe place to go to if you need help urgently
- help you stand up for your needs whether or not you are thinking about leaving.
Women’s refuges provide support services designed especially for children, young people, Māori women, Pacific women and migrant and refugee women. They also assist lesbian women, older women and women with disabilities. Click here for contact information for Women's Refuge.
Free national helpline, 7 days/week, 9.00 am - 11.00 pm: 0508 744 633
Shine is an Auckland-based organisation that offers short-term accommodation for women and their children who are at risk of further harm from domestic abuse. Families who stay at the safe house have the time and space they need to recover from the shock and fear caused by the abuse. They are in a safe environment and are supported by experienced and friendly staff. The safe house is at a confidential address, and offers warmth, shelter, safety, food and clothing. Click here for contact information for Shine.
Sexual assault support centres
If you have been sexually assaulted, whether by someone you know or someone you don’t know, you can contact one of the sexual assault support centre listed here.
Some of these centres operate a 24-hour crisis line where you can get immediate help and confidential advice. Click here for more information.
Crisis Numbers
Mid North Family Support Rape Crisis and Youth Services
09 407 7511
HELP
09 623 1700
Auckland Rape Prevention Education
09 360 4004
Wellington Sexual Abuse Help
04 499 7532
Hutt Valley Sexual Abuse Support and Healing (HV-SASH)
0800 226 694
Christchurch Sexual Abuse Survivors Trust
03 364 8791
West Coast Rape Crisis
0800 274 747
Free 24-hour crisis line: 0800 SHAKTI or 0800 742584
Shakti Community Council Inc. was set up by ethnic women for ethnic women to overcome the barriers that come with migration and break the bonds of cultural oppression imposed on them for generations. Shakti has four ethnic women's refuges in New Zealand, and operates a 24-hour free and confidential crisis line. Click here for contact information for Shakti.
Free 0800 Family Violence Information Line: 0800 456 450
The ‘It’s not OK’ campaign runs a free 0800 Family Violence Information Line that provides self-help information and connects people to services. It is available seven days a week, from 9.00 am to 11.00 pm, with an after-hours message redirecting callers in the case of an emergency. Click here for for more information.
Te Kupenga Whakaoti Mahi Patunga - National Network Stopping Violence Services
Te Kupenga – the National Network of Stopping Violence – is a network or ‘he kupenga’ of 42 independent community-based organisations. They work to enable all people in Aotearoa / New Zealand to live safely and respectfully in a society free of all forms of violence and oppression – the safety of women and children is paramount. Click here for information, or to contact your closest Te Kupenga Member agency.
Fatimah Foundation is an Auckland based organisation establish to provide Family Assistance To Islamic Mothers And Homes (FATIMAH). The Foundation's point of difference from other service providers is the advisory role and counselling services offered, based on cultural and Muslim values and principals to live within a New Zealand context.
Remember EAPworks has skilled relationship specialists and the pathway to help is only a phone call away:
0800 SELFHELP 0800 735 343
