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CAFE's Daily Newsletter February 5, 2016
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Happy Friday. Today is Casual Friday, the one day a week you don't have to wear underwear or deodorant to work. Enjoy!

(Credit: Getty Images)

AFTER A POLITICAL SEASON in which Republican candidates have used American Muslims as a urinal, Barack Obama visited a mosque in Baltimore Wednesday to tell these Americans "you fit right here."

 

AND BOY DID THAT TICK LOVABLE SCAMP MARCO RUBIO OFF. “I’m tired of being divided against each other for political reasons like this president’s done,” Rubio said.


RUBIO'S PALIN-ESQUE FOOLERY in response to Obama’s visit to a mosque is a reminder of how his campaign has become split between two impressions.

 

MOSTLY, BECAUSE IT WORKS IN THE PRIMARY, he’s become mini-Trump – practically sobbing when he talks about how bad Obama is and how much he just wants to punch a Muslim in the nards over it.

 

BUT BECAUSE HIS WHOLE CASE IS THAT HE'S THE ELECTABLE REPUBLICAN – despite being against same-sex marriage, climate science and abortion even in the case of rape – he’s also imitating another first-generation American who burst from the Senate to the presidency by virtue of his compelling oratory.


THE ONLY DIFFERENCE? Barack Obama actually won the Iowa caucuses. That’s how good he is at uniting people.

(Credit: Getty Images)

AS AN AMERICAN, IT'S YOUR DUTY to come up with a reason to watch the Super Bowl, which will likely break the all-time viewership record of almost 119 million set last year as halftime show star Katy Perry acted out what seemed to be a sexual fantasy from a Pixar movie.

 

SUPER BOWL 50 between the Carolina Panthers and Denver Broncos – featuring Coldplay as musical guest – will bring over a million visitors to San Francisco, a city where on a normal Tuesday it’s easier to find a startup revolutionizing the way people buy nail clippers than it is to find street parking.

 

AND IF YOU GO YOU CAN EXPECT TO PAY ENOUGH to provide drinking water to an entire village for a month or two. The best tickets for the game that provides Peyton Manning his last chance to win his second Super Bowl ring are approaching $20,000.

 

BUT THE SMARTEST DECISION is to stay home and watch the game on a TV that’s probably larger than your parents' first couch.

(Credit: Getty Images)

BOTH HILLARY CLINTON AND BERNIE SANDERS are proposing campaign finance reforms and say they want to nominate Supreme Court Justices who would overturn Citizens United.

 

BUT SANDERS AND CLINTON DISAGREE on what it means that Clinton took more than half a million dollars to give a speech to the wolfiest wolf of Wall St. – Goldman Sachs.

 

AT THURSDAY'S “HELD BY POPULAR DEMAND of everyone but Debbie Wasserman Shultz” Democratic debate, Sanders danced up to the foul line to suggest that Clinton’s speaking fees mean she’s incapable of policing the big banks who have given her so much big bank.

 

CLINTON'S DEFENSE INCLUDED A SLICK BACKHANDED COMPLIMENT to the Senator whose credibility is bolstered by the fact that he wears one of the GOP’s worst insults – “Socialist!” – as a stylish fedora.

 

“I REALLY DON'T THINK THESE ATTACKS ARE WORTHY OF YOU,” Clinton said. “If you’ve got something to say, say it.”


BOTH CANDIDATES ARE HISTORIC FIRSTS. Both candidates say they don't want to besmirch Hillary Clinton’s personal credibility. And both candidates were probably up too late.

Here’s a List of Marco Rubio’s Greatest Accomplishments

YES, TED CRUZ DID SAY HE IS A CHRISTIAN FIRST AND AN AMERICAN SECOND. But he obviously confused "Christian" with "Canadian."

PUCKER BORN EVERY MINUTE—People on the internet have been Photoshopping Donald Trump's lips onto puffer fish as part of an experiment to prove that we probably don't need the internet.

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