Are you struggling at the moment?
Contact us here or for urgent support contact lifeline on 13 11 14

Sending Hope Issue #11

"You are built to leave footprints"

Hey there ,

For this issue of Sending Hope we're lucky to have guest contributor Laura, who is one of EDV's mentors in our Peer Mentoring Program. Laura is also a psychologist in her 'day' job - she's a busy lady! She has kindly taken the time over Easter to pen her thoughts on her recovery and share some words of kindness if you're struggling at the moment.

“Don’t stop working towards it”. I wrote these words on a post-it note about nine years ago, when I was eighteen years old. I was in the depths of an eating disorder, but finally, the switch in my brain was starting to flip and a tiny part of me – the *actual* me – was recognising that was no way to live.

Everything the eating disorder had told or promised me was starting to fragment, becoming exposed as the impossible lies they really were. My family was in pain, I didn’t see my friends, and I had to drop out of my first semester of university. My personality was all but erased, days were dominated by rules, numbers, planning, and mistrust, and my physical and mental health were teetering on the edge of a dangerously unstable precipice. And terrified as I was of feeling or changing, I was even more scared of staying the same or getting worse.

It started off as a near-imperceptible whisper, but after years of being unwell I was realising that something was wrong, and I needed help.

So late one night, I went downstairs to my mum’s room and said “I think I need to see someone again… I think I’m sad”. I started to cry, and was so full of pain, conflict, guilt, self-hatred, and fear that it felt like my chest would crumble if I breathed too much. But it didn’t, and at the same time, there was the tiniest feeling of relief and hope. This moment is the first tangible step I can pinpoint for my recovery, and once I opened that door, I kept going. It took a long time; it always does. Six weeks waiting for a bed after I finally agreed to an admission, three and a half months inpatient, six months of day program and outreach, countless medical appointments, tears, and moments spent thinking “Maybe nothing’s actually wrong. This is too hard. I can’t do this”. And it was hard. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I did it, and I’d do it a hundred times over if I had to, because what's on the other side is so incredibly worth it.

Fast forward to now. I’ve been recovered for over eight years, a part of EDV’s Peer Mentor Program for four years, and a registered psychologist for two. So much has changed for the better. Of course, recovery doesn’t mean life is perfect. Sometimes days just suck, and life has thrown some incredibly painful curveballs my way, but that’s all part of being human. The good that I’ve experienced outweighs the bad immeasurably, I’d much rather tackle the full spectrum of experience than be at war with myself indefinitely, and I’ve learned that I can cope.

The day I went inpatient was the last time I engaged in eating disorder behaviours, and even though the thoughts were deafeningly loud and emotions near-intolerable at times, the more I refused to give in, the quieter it eventually became. I can only imagine what it’s like to be facing an eating disorder/recovery amidst a global crisis that fosters isolation, loss of routine, stress, grief, disconnect from treatment teams and supports, widespread focus on food, and mass amounts of social media preaching “productivity”, “fitness”, and other pressures that are unrealistic, toxic, and unhealthy. Tackling an eating disorder is indescribably brave and challenging in “normal” circumstances; doing so when a pandemic sanctions the exact environment these illnesses thrive in is something none of us were trained for.

If you’re finding things have been harder recently, you are not alone. If you feel like things have gone backwards, it is not your fault. Simply reading this newsletter speaks to the part of you that wants to fight, and if you’re doubting yourself, know that even though we (probably) haven’t met, I believe that you can get through this. You are so much more than an illness that drowns you, detracts from your happiness, robs you of life. You deserve to feel at peace within your own skin, and your own mind. You are built to leave footprints, each and every part of you is needed, your body is not the enemy, and there is hope. The heaviness you're feeling will not be forever, so whatever you’re going through, please keep going. No matter how many times you stumble from the path, or how winding and painful the territory gets, you can find your way out.

Don’t stop working towards it."

Remember, if you need to talk to someone, please give our Hub a call during business hours on 1300 550 236, or email edv@eatingdisorders.org.au

For urgent support please contact Lifeline on 13 11 14

Eating Disorders Victoria respect and welcome diversity of culture, religion, gender and sexuality.