Imagine this line delivered in a Hollywood movie style. Aggressively. Punishingly. Exasperatedly. It erupts after multiple attempts to please the other have failed and is laced with desperation and contempt. It suggests that the other is too blind to recognise effort or sacrifice, and it signifies loss of control. Paradoxically, self-contempt for the inability to work it out for oneself runs parallel. All round, it’s not a great situation.

Have you ever been on the receiving end of this from a leader or a colleague? Have you ever uttered it yourself?

Now imagine the same line delivered in a different way. Softer. Quieter. From a relaxed posture. Replace the exclamation mark with a question mark. Feel free to play with the words slightly. Maybe, ‘what is it that you want from me?’ ‘What do you need?’

These are questions that characterise emotionally intelligent teams and individuals. Instead of suggesting desperation or contempt, they now suggest openness and humility. They communicate, ‘I don’t have all the answers, I’m not a mind-reader, and I don’t want to make assumptions.’ People often feel the pull to camouflage their wants and needs or suppress them altogether. Questions such as these are invitational and can reduce frustration by generating clarity around expectations.

‘Adult’ (in transactional analysis speak) communication encourages individuals to express what it is they want, need or how they feel with clarity and accountability. Similarly, adult communication involves asking others what they want, what they need or how they feel and creating space for them to express it.

When was the last time you asked a colleague, “Is there anything else you need from me?”

In a team that is psychologically safe, this is viewed as an asset, not a threat. And rather than making this a transient, fleeting experience, wouldn’t it be good if this became the expectation; that the team would intentionally and authentically welcome diversity of thought and behaviour?

Some questions for you to consider are:

• How curious and reflective is your team?
• When was the last time you discussed something in your team that made you think differently?
• How do you talk about diversity in your team?
• Who rocks the boat in your team?

If you want to know more about our remote Team Coaching approach and offering, please get in touch.

The TOWARD Team