This month I have a
challenge for those of you with children in
school, and for myself as well. Would you
like to do something that would not only
greatly encourage your child’s teacher, but
would build your child’s character at the
same time?
Yes? Then repeat this
pledge with me:
“I will not allow
myself to rescue my child from the
consequences of his/her bad choices this
year.”
The number one
frustration among teachers, according to Jim
Fay, speaker and author of the Love and
Logic series, and his survey of over 1,700
teachers, is that parents do not let their
children learn from the consequences of
their bad choices.
Let’s face it. We have
become so concerned with our child’s
comfort, reputation, and self-esteem that we
miss opportunities for character-building. A
few scenarios:
-
Rush a child to school at the last
minute (even though it makes the parent
late for work) to save the child from a
tardy slip because the child didn’t get
ready quickly enough to make the planned
walk to school.
-
Let a child go late to school so he will
miss the class in which a paper was due.
-
Write a child a note that has a white
lie to try to get a child an excused
tardy when he went back to sleep after
being woken up for the morning.
-
Finish a project for a child because he
procrastinated and there is no way the
project will get finished without you
doing it.
-
Pressure a school administrator or
teacher to drop a child’s detention
time.
-
Rush a sack lunch (or lunch money) up to
the school for the third time in two
weeks because the child forgot it…again.
-
Complain to the teacher about the bad
behavior marks your child is getting on
his daily calendar, and assume she’s an
impatient and unrealistically demanding
teacher.
I’m not saying that
these scenarios are easy. None of us want to
see our children suffer, whether in the form
of a tardy slip, a zero on an assignment,
hunger, or negative feedback. But how does
that temporary pain compare with our desire
for them to have good character for a
lifetime?
Last year my middle
school son put me to the test on this. He
and his friend came home after school at 4
p.m., planning to walk back to school for
warm-ups for their Spring Choir Concert. As
they were eating a snack, we talked about
the plan. What time do you need to be back?
6 p.m.
What time will you need to leave to
get there by 6 p.m.? 5:45 p.m.
I told them I have a light dinner
ready for them by 5:30 p.m., and told my son
to be sure and have his room clean, his
stacks of clean laundry put away, and the
trash gathered from the house and bins
pulled to the curb before that time. One and
a half hours. Seemed very do-able.
At 4:45 p.m., I walked
past his bedroom, noticing they were playing
videogames and no work had been done. I told
him to check the time, and reminded him he
was not free to go until his work was
finished. About 5:30 p.m. I had their plates
ready, but still saw no trace of them or
anyone working. I went to the bedroom and
found my son just beginning to clean his
room. I reminded him that he would be free
to go after his work was done (and then took
a deep breath).
At that point they went
into full speed mode. By the time trash bins
were curbside and they came inside a sweaty
mess (in their choir shirts), it was 5:53
p.m. Can you take us?
Choir was an easy A as
long as you are on time. One tardy to a
performance and it could drop to a B (and so
on.) At this point, I wasn’t sure if they
could walk the half mile and get there in
time. I was tempted to give in and hop in
the car to take them. After all, it’s only
three minutes to drive, and it could mean
the difference between an A or a B on the
report card.
Although I was tempted
and almost gave in, I reminded the boys that
they knew the plan – they would get the work
done, then walk to the concert. And they’d
had plenty of time to get it done. (Whew,
that was hard!) They shoved a little food in
their mouths, then took off on a half-mile
sprint (I have to admit I prayed for
Godspeed).
End of story? Even
though they made it in the last few seconds
and were counted as on time, I think my son
learned a valuable lesson that day. (And now
that I’ve written this newsletter article, I
will most likely be put to the test again
within the next 24 hours!) I’m not looking
forward to it, but I pray I can stay strong
for the good of my children’s character.
Play it out long-term:
If we rescue them from bad choices when they
are young, what are we teaching them? It’s
okay, because someone will always be there
to bail them out. With the end in view,
let’s all repeat again: “I will not allow
myself to rescue my child from the
consequences of his/her bad choices this
year.” And all the teachers smiled.
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