I GREW UP in a volatile home where yelling and name-calling, as well as physical and emotional abuse, were common whenever tensions arose between my parents. We barely made ends meet most of the time, and sometimes we didn’t make them meet at all. Financial stress only added to the tension of an unhappy family.

As an only child, I had no option but to turn inward. I knew that what happened at home must always remain  a secret—especially within our church family. Fortunately, someone at the church anonymously paid for my Christian education at the local elementary school. School became the one constant in my life, and provided me with a good Christian base and mentors outside my home.

I was quite the rules-keeper. I was afraid of getting in trouble, for one thing, because I always tried my best not to make people mad. I had seen the consequences of unchecked anger and conflict at home. I also wanted to please people. I wanted their approval and validation, as I didn’t get much of this at home. College continued to provide this sense of self-worth. How wonderful those years were—being around kind people who wanted me to succeed, and let me know when I did well! Still, keeping the rules was important to me, so I didn’t miss a daily worship well into the second quarter of the school year.

I remember my RA coming to me at one point and saying, “Patty, you do know you have worship skips available, don’t you?” “Ye-es, I know,” I replied. “But I love the worships.” I did love them—but I nevertheless made a point of  missing worship every now and then just so I wouldn’t be thought of as weird.

For about ten years—between high school and the birth of our first child—I had peace. The end of my peace was about more than just the responsibility and chaos that goes along with raising children. My parents re-entered my life about this time—partly because Mom felt she needed to correct my parenting. This led to new strife and a renewal of all the negative experiences I had endured as a child. The next fifteen years were filled with ups and downs, trials and tribulations. I found myself dragged back into my parents’ unhappy relationship. Being the dutiful daughter, I felt I must still play the role of peacekeeper between them. And, after all, isn’t one of the rules to “honor your mother and father?” I tried my best to follow this rule. Unfortunately, it took a terrible toll on my health. I began to fight depression and was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Any conflict between my own children brought up feelings of helplessness and anger. I wasn’t coping with life very well. Fortunately, I got the counseling I needed and God helped me keep my head above water.

Imagine my husband’s surprise when I suggested my mother come live with us! At the age of 87, she was suffering from chronic pain due to a fall that I later learned happened during an altercation with my father. She was no longer fast enough or strong enough to get out of his way. Their caregiver told me that Mom had unexplained bruises—and she admitted that Dad had given them to her. It wasn’t the first time I’d tried to help, and she had always brushed off my offers in the past.This time, she agreed to leave my father and move in with me. We got Dad on board through the guise of “getting another doctor’s opinion on her pain treatment.” She came to live with us. After a while, Dad realized that she wasn’t coming back, and this caused some tension between us. He finally came to the conclusion that he couldn’t take care of her anymore. The work for me was endless. In addition to having my mother living with me, I also had to make trips to my home town every four months to make sure Dad was okay, too, as his health was also failing.

I’ve asked myself many times why I allowed myself to be pulled back into my parents' lives so deeply. What was it inside me that allowed me to put aside the past and be there for my mom and dad? The only thing I can point to is God. Somehow, in my Christian upbringing—and along with my own fondness for rules—I had learned about compassion, commitment, and “brother-keeping,” or in this case, “parent-keeping.” There was no way I could turn my back on my parents in their time of need. They had given me life—not the greatest memories or the happiest life—but they did the best they could and I was able to make peace with them and “keep” them at the end of their lives.

We are in this world together. We all have people in our lives who are thorns in our sides. Sometimes we can walk away and let someone else take compassion on them, but sometimes the responsibility is left to us. It is only through God’s grace that we can open our hearts and take a chance on loving the unlovables. God does it every day with us. I’m so thankful for His love.

Patty Knittel recently retired from working at Walla Walla University, and continues to lives in Walla Walla, WA with her husband, Monty. She has written several devotional pieces that have appeared in a variety of publications, including the annual General Conference Women’s Devotional. Her first book—Red Coats and Scimitars— was published by Pacific Press in 2014. Patty enjoys writing, reading, travel, golf, and gardening. She and Monty have two grown children. Thank Patty for sharing.

"Keepers" illustration by Joshua De Oliveira. 

KEEPERS is a weekly One project devotional series exploring from a variety of angles the well-known rhetorical question, “Am I my brother’s keeper?” (Gen. 4:9). This phrase expresses a central tension in our community lives. To what extent are we our brothers’ keepers? Even more crucial, to what extent are other people our keepers? Various cultures have different attitudes toward autonomy and interconnectedness, but probably few are as conflicted about the exact definition of community, its boundaries, and its responsibilities as Western culture is. We want help, but hate advice. We value friends, but resent obligations. We enjoy affirmation and seethe at rebuke. We want community, but only when it meets our intensely parsed criteria for what we deem helpful. Don’t you dare look at me and tell me what you think I need, our attitude screams. I’ll tell you what I need and you give it to me. Then you’re my friend. Then we’re a community. And when we offer help, we expect gratitude, maybe even adoration. We like being keepers better than we like being kept, but we’re pretty poor at both. Yet existing in community is essential to our humanity. How can we balance the tensions we experience in positive ways?

SHARE! Do you have a story to share related to the idea of keeping or being kept? Have there been times when other people have been your keeper with surprising results? Have you struggled with determining appropriate boundaries in your relationships with others? If you'd like to write a devotional for the One project Keepers series, email the editor.

"His Passion, Our Purpose," based on the book of Ephesians, features Alex Bryan, Drene Somasundram, Sam Leonor, Mark Webster, Yvonne Hypolite, and more!

Registration: NZ$150 (until October 23)

NOTE:
Registration fees are non-refundable and are charged in New Zealand dollars. Registration includes refreshments, resources, and Saturday lunch. Travel and accommodation must be arranged separately.

Register online.

For further information, contact Rod Long.

Why don't you stay just a little bit longer? The 2016 One project in Seattle will be immediately followed by two new events.

ADVANCE (February 15, 2016: 6-9pm) is a three-hour seminar aiming to achieve a seamless blend of ministry and healthcare. Join leaders from around the world in a candid, encouraging, and constructive dialogue on the historic mission, present reality, and future hopes for Adventist healthcare. and its role in gospel ministry. Short presentations will be followed by generous segments of time for open conversation. Supper will be provided. Cost is $50 per person.

CREATE (February 16, 2016: 9am-5pm) is an all-day conference focused on the future for the Adventist Church. Presentations will be mixed with generous segments of time for open conversation. Cost is $50 per person.

We are accepting sermons, which will be provided in print to all participants. Guidelines are available on our website.

All events will take place at the Westin Seattle. Book a room.

The speakers are wonderful and the music is unparalleled but it's the people you meet and the connections you form that make One project gatherings so unforgettable. In the weeks leading up to our Seattle gathering (February 14-15, 2016), we'll be highlighting a few of the faces you can look out for around the ballroom at the Westin Hotel.

Ruth-Ellen Marks

"The One project has been a grounding point over the past few years. It represents a place where I can exhale, relax, and comfortably be myself among a group of Christians who seem to understand where I am spiritually more comprehensively than people in almost any other space in my life."

Ruth-Ellen Marks will join the One project Seattle all the way from Australia—marking the beginning of a year-long sabbatical she will be taking from her work as a trainee emergency physician. The almost-30-year-old Marks has what she describes as an "insatiable exuberance for life, people, the outdoors, and travel." Ruth-Ellen had international experience from an early age, being raised in the United Kingdom, New Zealand, and three states of Australia.

She describes her faith journey as anything but simple. Ruth-Ellen was originally very confident, competitive, and absolute in her thinking. "I was humbled through my late teens and early twenties as I waded through a quagmire of personal and professional challenges and the subsequent growth of my faith. More recently, I have been struggling to try to stay connected to God and his people as a busy young person whose life is filled with frenetic activity. I attempt to inhabit the very different universes of hospital and church—with varied degrees of success."

Ruth-Ellen hopes the One project will serve as, "the start of the breathing room that will characterize my next year, and hopefully those years that follow it. Perhaps I will properly start to learn that God's grace and the contentment and rest he provides is indeed enough, even for me."

Look out for Ruth-Ellen in Seattle in February! If you know of an interesting person who will be attending, drop us a line. We would love to feature a wide variety of people in the One Collective.