“I have an egg in the fridge. Hard boiled like me.” Potential flooding on the Toronto Islands will have the biggest impact on people who live there—most of all 87-year-old Jimmy Jones, who won’t budge just because of a rain storm. (For now, the city has restricted ferry access, ahead of potential evacuation.) Jones has been an island resident since 1932: his professional-clown father wanted to live near where he worked, at Hanlan’s Point.

Catholic teacher not ashamed of putting legs behind her head in front of students. “It was a yoga exercise,” Leanora Brown explains to the National Post, after being censured for her display at Marshall McLuhan school. Brown has denied dispensing advice to students like, “If a slutty girl or a horny girl wants to have sex with you, you should fuck her well and leave her in a wheelchair for two days," but a tribunal concluded otherwise based on testimony. “Why would the children be embarrassed?” Brown asked of her flexibility stunt. “They have sex in the hallway and they smoke.”

Patrick Brown feels goosed by parka spending scandal. The Toronto Sun puts premier Kathleen Wynne in a Canada Goose to illustrate how the Ministry of Children and Youth Services spent $53,948 on gear purchased for work in northern Ontario communities where it gets pretty fucking cold. With former Kevin O’Leary strategist Andrew Boddington leading the Ontario PC election bid, though, stories like these might help Brown’s populist positions circulate on Facebook.

Postmedia apologized for comparing Harjit Sajjan to Bugs Bunny. Tim Dolighan sketched the embattled defence minister in a boiling pot of water, symbolizing Sajjan’s fib about being the “architect” of Operation Medusa. But the image offended Sikhs, who raised its parallels with historic religious figures who were similarly tortured. “It was a pun on the minister stewing in his own lies,” the Calgary Sun responded to criticism. “We’re sorry if it was misinterpreted.” (Toronto Sun stalwart Andy Donato offered his own portrayal of Sajjan as Pinnochio—with his sacred facial hair growing out of control.)

Meghan Markle is probably glad that her grandfather-in-law-to-be isn’t dead yet. Prince Philip’s plan to retire at 95 should let new royals take the spotlight. Markle's decision to end her relationship with Reitmans clothing stores was seen as one signal that she’ll soon be heading to England. The next step is her expected attendance at the wedding of Pippa Middleton. But even as publications like OK! keep touting an imminent engagement, the National Enquirer pushes a theory that the romance will fall apart due to the 18-year-old daughter of Markle’s estranged half-sister, who appears to be both a Satanist and a Nazi.  

May the 4th marketing enters a new orbit of terribleness. Star Wars meme jokes don’t need the government involved—but that didn’t stop Transport Canada from issuing a recall on Imperial AT-AT walkers. Premier Kathleen Wynne used the occasion for a provincial budget plug: “If you're 24 or under & need prescription drugs, you don't need to go ‘solo’.” Meanwhile, a promoted tweet from Canadian Tire paralleled its logo with a planet-destroying space station that gets blown up twice, although the store may not mind being seen as an evil empire. But there are only so many days of the year when Dijon mustard can hitch on a hashtag.

Toronto Star’s public editor concurs with concern about Desmond Cole. Kathy English weighed in on the columnist deciding he didn’t want to sacrifice being an activist—which is against newsroom policy, even if the rule has been selectively enforced. The public editor notes that Cole resigned voluntarily—though he announced it publicly before informing the Star. Regardless, the flap has provided Twitter media pundits with another opportunity to poke at all the preciousness that comes out of One Yonge Street.