That war with the U.S.A. is finally on. Ottawa was faced with "an affront to the long-standing security partnership" between Canada and the U.S., while comedy export Samantha Bee spent a day “wrestling with the repercussions of one bad word.” As a result, the president started the next morning with two distinctly antagonistic angles on Canada:

Drake might have to take this to Maury Povich. Rapper paternity was never much of an issue prior to Pusha-T dropping “The Story of Adidon.” But a TMZ report that Drake is supplying financial support to Sophie Brussaux, the mother of his alleged secret son, is offset by reports that the child has blond hair and blue eyes. So far, Drake's only response has been an explanation of why he did a photoshoot in blackface back in 2007.

“If they’re pulling a Milli Vanilli, the people who like their music are going to be disappointed to hear that.” TTC spokesman Stuart Green acknowledged the persistence of the accordion-playing “Despacito” brothers despite multiplying tickets and summonses. But the discovery of Bluetooth speakers in their fannypacks has led to speculation that the pair aren't really squeezing:

Stouffville mayor will have his bride along for the re-election ride. Justin Altmann has registered to run this October while serving out sanctions for failing to apologize for his weird washroom wall—and wife Jenny Altmann hopes to join him on town council. For now, the functionally unemployed mayor faces more complaints, including an accusation that he falsely accused staff of breaking into his office.

One last Liberal attempt at portraying Doug Ford as a weed fiend. Facebook’s policy of exposing all political advertising makes it easy to discover OLP attack ads placed in languages other than English:

Slayer said goodbye to the guy who tried to swim back in. Scott Ian, whose band Anthrax is an opening act on Slayer's farewell tour, shared photos of a fan who was ejected from the Budweiser Stage—then tried to return via Lake Ontario, only to get carted away. Chris LaRocque of Oshawa identified himself as the swimmer, and claims that he was tossed out because of “the usual metal head shit.”