Sam Oosterhoff is M.I.A. at QP. “Doogie Howser, MPP” wasn't sworn in alongside fellow by-election winner Nathalie Des Rosiers, leading to speculation that Oosterhoff was avoiding today’s vote on the All Families Are Equal Act, which, though supported by PC leader Patrick Brown, is unpopular with social conservatives, like the 19-year-old. Brown claims the swear-in will be tomorrow, so that Oosterhoff can throw a party afterward.

Bill Blair’s cash-for-access exposed. According to a report in the Globe and Mail, the police chief turned MP, who is overseeing Justin Trudeau's push to legalize pot, took donations from the Cannabis Friendly Business Association. (The Liberals promise to repay the money while denying any ethical breaches.) A report with some initial recommendations on how to legalize recreational weed is due any moment now; meanwhile, landlords are being warned again by police to evict surviving dispensaries or face hefty fines.

CBC floats some new survival freakonomics. The public broadcaster will go ad-free, if the government gives it $400 million more a year. Conservative leadership hopeful Maxime Bernier summed up his feelings in a subject line: “LOL CBC.” While government-funded comedians conspicuously avoid jokes about Trudeau and Castro, they had this to say:

Toronto-Dominion Bank can’t win the news today. While the Toronto Star reports on racial slurs from a customer at the bank's Queen and Spadina branch, TD is also under fire from 70 students who won scholarships from the bank, and who now want it to withdraw funding from the Dakota Access Pipeline. (Six months ago, it seemed like TD’s biggest problem was faulty coin-counting machines.)

---

Today's edition of 12:36 is brought to you by Casper, which was dubbed "the hipster mattress" by the Globe and Mail once, but please don't hold it against them. (Casper, that is.) Your mattress will cost you $65 less if you order right here with the code 1236.

---

Norm Kelly’s most popular terrible tweet ever. Just before feigning questionable excitement​ over the new album by the Weeknd, @norm contributed to the Evil Kermit the Frog meme. ("Me: You're a politician, stop tweeting like this.; Inner me: You're too lit to politic.") The number of likes for that one tweet have eclipsed any of the councillor's previous efforts—and sparked a whole new dimension of despair about whatever the hell he’s trying to do.

Buyers of scalped Metallica tickets will be even less successful than that Lulu album Metallica made with Lou Reed. Ticket holders at tonight’s Opera House show require photo ID and credit card proof in order to get through the door. But someone trying to make a quick thousand or two off a potential scam sure isn’t going to tell you that. An entirely fake website purporting to be the official Opera House homepage offers the tickets—originally priced from $25 to $100 to benefit the Daily Bread Food Bank—for $1,213 and $2,117.