Virtue and Moir might retire, but their imaginary romance is forever. The duo plan to hang up their Olympic skates following their latest gold medal—but not before one final gala routine to the Tragically Hip’s “Long Time Running.” Nonetheless, their fame is enshrined enough to make fan-fiction writers horny, inspire statistical inquiries into whether ice dancers get a bump in their scores if they’re sex partners, and “Are Virtue and Moir Fucking Or What?” Canada’s limerick laureate keeps it discreet:

Patrick Brown in a time of TMI. “You can ask any questions you want but I have no interest in participating in an attack on a good man,” texted Patrick Brown's girlfriend, Genevieve Gualtieri, to the Toronto Star, whose reporting emphasizes that she’s 23 and Brown's ex-intern. (It was an ex-girlfriend, Mikhaela Patterson, who first surfaced to dispute the allegations against Brown.) All of this is a sideshow to MPP Randy Hillier calling for an ethics investigation. And yet, we still don't know if Brown can bid for the office he stepped down from.

DoFo is coming to HoJos. Toronto has overdosed on Doug Ford, but watching him on tour in pursuit of the PC leadership shows where his big-city wattage plays best, like in a Howard Johnson’s motel in Lindsay, which looks straight outta Bill Davis–era Ontario. It’s a world away from the King Street pilot, the target that Ford abandoned to pursue this new job. The protest stunts can continue without him:

“Something more than emotional upset and a momentary interruption in a conversation is needed to constitute the criminal offence.” Newfoundland judge Colin Flynn dismissed charges stemming from a “FHRITP” directed at NTV reporter Heather Gillis outside the St. John’s city dump. Previous cases produced mixed results. A Hydro One employee was re-hired after shouting outside a Toronto FC game, and incidents in Hamilton included charges outside a police station.

“Doobies Make Boobies” is the perfect slogan for the emerging age of legal reefer madness. The latest milestone in the evolution of Canadian authorities grappling with cannabis: York Regional Police issuing a correction after an officer told Catholic high schoolers that getting high leads to mammary growth in men. Meanwhile, marijuana keeps on keeping the meme-makers busy, even if the only thing a stoner would see is the pie:

Judy Singh sang the next great Canadian music unburied treasure. MajikBus Entertainment, a Vancouver company that's partnering with the CBC to monetize the latter's music archives, will be reissuing three records that had 250-copy runs in 1970. The albums are by psych-folkers Perth County Conspiracy, avant-jazzster Emile Normand, and Judy Singh—whose A Time for Love is considered to be a holy grail of sunshine.

Frank D’Angelo made a movie faster than you can forget about it. The Joke Thief was revealed February 5, along with a few photos of its production. Two weeks later, D’Angelo delivered a trailer for what looks like a completed film about an embattled stand-up comic. The cast includes returning Fangelo favourites like Daniel Baldwin, John Ashton and Art Hindle, plus Julie McCullough, who once played Kirk Cameron’s fiancée on Growing Pains, until he reportedly had her fired from the show for not meeting his moral standards.