IF VICTORIA WOOD DID DRESSAGE JUDGING…
(WITH HUGE APOLOGIES TO THE FUNNIEST WOMAN EVER)
Ooooh, hello Joyce, are you writing for me? Thank goodness for that ~ I had Marge last week and she’s not improved in the freshness department…
Have you got coffee? I hope they’ve put enough breaks in, I nearly wet myself last time I was here…
The gate steward is flapping at me so I presume that means we’re starting. Just wave and smile, Joyce, I’ve got no idea what she’s on about
Right then, first horse! What have we here? Well, she’s going to have to get him in the arena, at least. Oooh, right, she’s in. And… out again. And in again. Oh Lord, now there’s someone leading it round, smile, Joyce, she’s looking, we’ll be here all day at this rate. Let’s ring the bell and see what happens…
Oh dear. He didn’t like that much, did he? Mind you, there was great energy in that buck.
She’s made it onto the centre line Joyce, we’re away! Fairly straight, 7, although I feel she may benefit from slightly more robust undergarments… No, Joyce, I don’t want you to write that bit
Figure of 8 from A ~ help yourself to a Jammy Dodger, Joyce ~ could show clearer change of bend, 7 ~ how’s Derek? Really? I think you can get cream for that…
Change of rein KXM ~ onward bound, 5, I don’t think I can refer to extended bolt, Joyce, but thank you for the suggestion
Right, let’s look at this canter circle at C. Eeek, mind my bonnet, I only just got it resprayed after that cob sat on it at the Regionals. Ok, so, wrong leg, disunited, wrong bend, broke, rider in tears… hmmm. I’ll come back to that one…
Oh hurrah, she’s managed to trot between E and K! Resistant to transition 5.5. She must have biceps like Popeye under there…
Now then, we’re going across the diagonal FXH. Oh, apparently we’re not. Joyce, where’s the bell? Ah. It might be more readily available if you weren’t sitting on it?
(To the rider) Let’s go back to K and then trot across the diagonal FXH, shall we? No, I’m afraid you can’t start again. No you can’t swap horses either. Yes, we’ve all done it… (encouraging smile) And while I’m at it I’m not sure a pink bridle is quite the look you should be going for…
(Back in the car) Error of course please, Joyce, and two penalty marks for that bridle. Did I tell you I’ve got new neighbours? A week they’ve been there and I haven’t heard her put the hoover round once. Fairly good rhythm, 6.5…
Exuberant transition, 5. He can’t half stuff in a buck, Joyce! Well, it’s sort of a canter circle. Or a rectangle with curves. I’ll come back to that one…
She’s got walk at A! Now we’re getting somewhere! 6 for those transitions, I think ~ try not to get jam on the sheet, Joyce dear. It looks like you’ve had a nosebleed…
Oh dear. Now that’s not really a free walk on a long rein, is it? More of a sideways jog with his ears up her nose and some snorting. I’ll have a think about that one…
On the home straight now Joyce! Well it’s not very straight but you know what I mean. So we have a transition to trot, a half 10 metre circle B-X and halt at G. Or not. What we actually have is half-pass and more crying. Oh well, she’s made it to G. Vaguely. Immobility not established 4. Yes, Joyce, I know it’s rearing but I’m trying to be nice!
Phew! Off she goes! At least she’s in one piece. Pass us a Jammy Dodger, Joyce, only 39 more to go!
